(F-BOMB ALERT: The following satiric essay contains multiple F-Bombs. Read at your own discretion!)
After much deliberation, I am making two historic announcements. First off, I proudly announce I am officially, as of today, renouncing my pie-in-the-sky, do-gooder liberal bias, and applying for membership in the fabled ranks of Republican Americanus. Yes, I am joining the Republican Party. I admit to being a Scrooge-like tightwad. I admit to hating everyone under 45, and everyone with less than a million dollars in their portfolio, and of course toto el mundo who weren’t born in the good old United States of America.
America is for Americans, we Republicans always say, and you’re not really an American if you’re not smart enough to have earned a small fortune. Doesn’t matter how you earned that fortune, but if you made it by swindling old ladies out of their pensions, so much the better! And if you’re looking for a political party that will help you hold onto every penny of that fortune, even if it means having to dismantle social security and medicare, then look no further. You are a born Republican, as I am, and you’re tired of all those lazy and ignorant sons of bitches, like immigrants and convicts, who won’t get a job and who multiply like sex-starved rabbits living off our wealth and largesse.
Yes, I, Paul Steven Stone, after years of haranguing the Republicans for starting unnecessary wars, torturing enemy prisoners, ignoring the poor and middle class, representing elite and wealthy interests, stifling our liberties, protecting polluters and bugging our phones, I’ve stopped pretending I think more of others than I do of myself. I now proudly admit that I am #1! It’s all about me! My money (my family, my friends…Did I mention my money?) And nobody takes care of ME and MINE like the Republican Party. Which leads to my second announcement…
Today, as we face unprecedented scandals and political divisions (also termed an “era of great opportunity” by our president), I hereby announce my intention of running for Representative from the 11th Congressional District of Massachusetts. Running, of course, as a Republican. That means, I will take any and all contributions from anyone trying to buy influence with me. It means I will immediately tie my hands as a future lawmaker by signing a pledge that will force me to vote against any measure that might raise tax revenues. Even if America badly needs them!
Just know that I will never disappoint you. I will be your voice, your conscience, and your balls…all in one! As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take. I will say “Fuck you!” to any government program that aids or assists those less fortunate than yourself. Especially any program that cleans up the environment. I will say “Fuck You!” to anyone who thinks our government exists to serve people over corporate interests. Just listen for the echo of every vote I take as your Republican representative, “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!”
And then there’s the biggest “Fuck You!” of all: my vote against impeaching President Trump. Only a Republican could justify voting for someone who willingly, with no thought or conscience, placed our entire democratic system at peril! Just to get the goods on Joe Biden!
Only a Republican would have the balls to tell the entire country that the words they read, and heard over and over—words documenting Trump’s phone call—said exactly the opposite of what people thought they heard or read.
Just think of all the fun I’ll have in Congress as a Republican…! I’ll get to obfuscate my anti-climate voting record. I’ll get to pretend that dismantling social security will be an improvement to the way things are now.
As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take.
Not only that, I’ll get to spend desperately-needed funds on building a wall, or rebuilding a nuclear arsenal. And even though I possess no scientific understanding or basis of knowledge to refute scientifically-proven-and-accepted realities, I will get to belittle science and fuck the environment with every vote I take.
How much fun is that!
I will also get to argue against increasing taxes on ridiculously wealthy people; arguing that it would only discourage the creation of jobs.
I love that one! Like a billionaire is going to cut back on making more billions because his government asked him to pay his fair share of taxes! Right! What the hell does taxing wealthy people have to do with creating jobs? Are billionaires holding back on creating new jobs out of spite? If they are, that’s pretty pissy of them!
Enough of this stupidity. Forget all logic, put your own vested interests aside, ignore the fact I will only represent your interests half-heartedly, most of my attention going to the needs of the 1%, and vote for Paul Steven Stone (Republican) as your next Congressman. It’s time to bring back amoral, conscienceless, selfish, right-wing sense to the Massachusetts political landscape. Remember, it’s not what your country can do for its people that counts, it’s what your country can do for YOU.
Thank you and God Bless The United States of America!