WELCOME TO THE DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

“Welcome, welcome! We are pleased to welcome you to the Best Presidential Library in the United States. Inside these glorious gilded walls you will find mementoes and exhibits relating to the abbreviated presidential term of Donald J. Trump, the only president with an asterisk after his name in the history books. 

The Consigliere

“An asterisk after a president’s name, as President Trump has frequently stated, denotes a presidency of exceptional accomplishment and stratospheric Nielson ratings. Those who argue the asterisk has other, less laudatory meanings, have been proven liars or placed under indictment by Mr. Trump’s official consigliere, William Barr.

Not shown in photo: President Trump walking behind with shovel and broom.

“As you move into the library, in the room on your left, you will notice a diorama depicting a bare-chested Vladamir Putin hunting Siberian tigers on horseback, with President Trump walking behind carrying broom and shovel. This is the library’s famous “Hunting Buddies” room. 

“Just next door is President Trump’s “My Funny Valentine” room featuring photos of North Korea’s Kim Jung-Un, also on horseback, and also followed by the president carrying broom and shovel. And, yes, that is a cupid shown hovering above the two men.

Visitors to The Miss Universe Pageant room.

“Next, to the right, is The Miss Universe Pageant room, to celebrate an earlier period in the President’s long and varied career. Note the racks of beautiful gowns and bathing suits, as well as dressing rooms for pageant contestants. As this is an interactive library, all attractive women visitors between the ages of 22 and 38 are encouraged to try on one of the beauty queen outfits in the dressing rooms, and to ignore the closed circuit cameras they’ll find in each. Those cameras are solely to prevent theft. Every day, one lucky visitor will be chosen to have President Trump walk in while she is dressing, a sign of favor often shown to pageant contestants through the years.

One of President Trump’s 23 accusers.

Moving along, we come to the library’s most controversial exhibit, The Jungle Room (occasionally called “Liars, Sluts, Bimbos and Litigants” by the president). Those 23 life-size statues represent the malicious women who have falsely charged President Trump with improper sexual advances ranging from peeping tom-ism to groping to, yes, even rape. In addition to suing each of his accusers for slander, President Trump has offered to pay a small sum towards their survivor’s therapy.

“Lost your home? Here’s something to make you feel better!”

“That darkened room on the right, ladies and gentlemen, is filled with flags from every nation the President has humorously termed a “shithole” country. In addition to most African and South American nations, you will find the flags of Mexico, Ukraine and Puerto Rico. We obviously realize Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory, but President Trump insisted they be included. On the movie screen in the back you can see a continuous loop of President Trump tossing paper towels to those who lost their homes in Hurricane Maria. 

Two of the featued statues in “The Rogues Gallery” room. For just $20 you can throw rocks and try to dunk them in their tanks.

“Next on the right, as we turn this corner, is the most controversial room in the library, “The Rogues Gallery,” in which you will find animatronic statues of the President’s most strident and ardent enemies. Inside you will find life-sized statues of Robert Mueller, Rod Rosenstein, Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman, Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and many others who trampled on President Trump’s constitutionally-authorized right to do whatever-the-hell he wants as president. Also featured, suspended over dunk tanks, are Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. For a modest $20 fee, visitors can toss rocks at both statues, with a chance to win a jackpot should they knock either statue off its perch. All monies collected, as with the $50 library admittance fee, will be donated to President Trump’s favorite charity.

President Trump making one of his tough presidential decisions.

“You ask about that Doomsday clock on the wall near the Fox News Room display…? President Trump personally commissioned that clock to keep track of the many millions spent on security details for his golfing vacations at Mar-A-Lago. Once the sum rose above $100 million, there was some concern the expenses would unknowingly drain the United States Treasury, but the president wasn’t so much worried about the treasury as curious about how much the Secret Service was spending at his resort. Reports have him very pleased.

From the Trump Library’s Obama Room.

“Now, watch your step as you enter the last room in our library and museum, the “Obama Room.” Filled with photos of President Barack Obama pasted on gun range targets, dart boards and punching bags, this is the room most visited and utilized by the president himself. Notice the papers in the fireplace. They consist of every executive order and bill signed by President Obama during his term, as well as hundreds of birth certificates from Kenya that prove Obama’s foreign birth.

“Please be careful as you leave the library, folks! There is a U.S. military drone circling the library in the upper atmosphere. Any sudden move by an individual of color or someone wearing Muslim dress could trigger an unwarranted attack similar to the assassination of Qasem Soleimani of Iran. 

This rocket could be aimed at you.

“If you wish to purchase insurance to avoid such an attack, you can pay Rudy Giuliani or Vice President Mike Pence $1000 as you leave. As with the other fees, all monies collected will go directly to the President’s favorite charity. 

“Can you guess what that might be?”

6 thoughts on “WELCOME TO THE DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

    1. Paul Steven Stone Post author

      Thanks, Jim! Your comment is very timely, and helpful. Have to admit I was very uncertain about this one. Especially in light of all the tragic news coming from McConnell’s office. Many thank, partner!

      Reply
  1. Norm Dauria

    Well done as usual Paul.
    It seems unusual that a presidential library would be void of books but I guess that it makes sense for a person who is unable to speak a coherent sentence as well as read beyond grade school level.

    Reply
    1. Paul Steven Stone Post author

      Thanks, Norm. One reader suggests the library will be filled with books Trump can read, like “Goodnight Moon” and “Cat in the Hat.” Wouldn’t surprise me if we see Peyton Place on the shelves. I would suspect that had quite an impact on Trump during his teenage years.

      Reply
  2. Doris B

    … and in that presidential library will be all the important books that Trump was able to read, all by himself, like Cat in the Hat & Goodnight Moon. It would be such a big library for such a small set of literary tomes.

    Reply

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