TRUMP SENDS OUT FOR CHINESE.

“Hello, Xi Jinping’s Chinese Garden. Order for pick up or delivery, please?”

“Delivery.”

“And what is name?”

“And what is name?”

“Donald The President.”

“Donald The President? President of what?”

“Of the United States, you moron! What are you, a Fake News reporter? I’ll tell you when to ask questions. And when you have a question, I want you to raise your hand.” 

“Raise hand? On phone? Why?”

“Again with the questions! Why does everyone want to question me? I guess there’s nobody else worth questioning. That’s because I give great answers. Best answers anywhere. Everyone says so.”

“Are you ready to order, Mr. President?”

“Yes, I’m ordering from your take out menu. (calling to someone in the room) Rudy, Mike, Billy…what do you guys want? (murmurs rise in the distance) Really? (into the phone) Are you ready?”

“Fire away!”

“Just remember, if you take notes of this call, you have to burn them when we’re through.”

“Sure, always burn notes. Only way Chinese Communist restaurant stay in business. What is order, please?”

“First, we want three orders of Shit-on-Biden, extra spicy.”

“Large size or small?”

“Super-size! Can I get those with photos?”

Shit-on-Biden, extra spicy.

“Three order, Shit-on-Biden with photos! You want photos showing Biden fooling around with Chinese women, maybe, or mongrel dogs? Perfect for casual slander or dedicated destruction of reputation. Today’s special: fake photos of Joe Biden naked or in underwear?”

“What kind of underwear?”

Looking good, Joe!

“Tighty-whitey.”

“We’ll take a dozen of both.  Can I get poster sized blow-ups?”

“Of course. Is very popular item on menu.” 

“You know, I just realized something, Xi. This a beautiful phone call. Don’t you think? Simply beautiful. If Lindsey Graham were here kissing my derriere, he’d damn well agree.”

(silence)

“Next I’d like three orders of Sweet-and-Sour-Bullshit; the kind despots order when they’re winning a trade war.”

“Three order Sweet-and-Sour-Bullshit. With or without beansprouts?”

“Beansprouts? I don’t give a shit about beansprouts. Are you making a joke?”

“Beansprouts! I don’t give a shit about beansprouts.”

“No, no. Sorry, no joke. Also, no beansprouts.”

“Okay, now this is important, I want you to send the bill for our order to the Department of the Treasury, attention Stevie M.”

“Department of Treasury?”

“Did you just ask another question?” 

“Sorry, you not see, I first raise hand.” 

“You sure you’re not working with Crooked Hillary or her skirt-chasing husband? Or perhaps Adam Schiff is wire-tapping this phone call…?”

“Xi Jinping have one more question, Mr. President.”

“I can tell your hand is raised, so ask away.”

“What happen if Treasury Department refuse pay bill?” 

Then send it to Present Zelensky in Kiev. I believe that’s located in Ukraine. If it hasn’t already been moved to Russia.”

“Zelensky is also President?”

President of a shithole country.

“Yeah, but of a shithole country.”

But what if Zelensky tell me ‘no,’ just like Treasury Department?”

“If Zelensky says no, tell him I’ll be sending him those Javelin missiles he asked for. And very soon!

“Oh, and don’t forget the fortune cookies.”

From Donald With Love.

10 thoughts on “TRUMP SENDS OUT FOR CHINESE.

  1. harris Gardner

    Hello, Steve,
    Colbert might be able to use another writer on staff!!!!!! Funny, but scary. Too close to home.
    Warmly,
    Harris

    Reply
    1. Paul Steven Stone Post author

      Appreciate the humorous encouragement. I sent you a lunch invite, partner. Check your email and get back to me.

      Best,

      Paul

      Reply
    1. Paul Steven Stone Post author

      Thanks, Ed.Glad you liked it.

      Get back to me sometime, if you wish, about meeting to talk about your radio network. I’m not looking for paid freelance, just interested, as an old friend, in the marketing challenges.

      Reply
  2. Marshall DeMott

    Coveffee squirting out of my nose reading this, Paul. Like the lady said, this is so like Colbert’s opening segment. Pro writing. Now, who can I share this with? Hmmm.

    Reply
    1. Paul Steven Stone Post author

      Thanks, Marshall. Your words feed my fires. You’re starting to seem like an old friend from the barricades. Keep up the fight! And wait till you finish my posts before sipping coffee.

      Reply

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