The Ugly Americans

To: The United States of America

From: The Republican Party


We have kidnapped your legislative process. If you ever hope to see a working constitutional government again, obey the following instructions TO THE LETTER.

  1. Place The Affordable Health Care Act (a/k/a Obamacare) in a dumpster behind the White House marked “Dead On Arrival.”
  2.  Throw the Food Stamp program, The Head Start program and any other program that benefits poor people into the same dumpster, making sure to weight down the lid with the aggregated hopes, dreams and aspirations of that same underprivileged and impoverished population.
  3. Given that they have little chance of survival in the New America we envisage, toss the chronically poor, all welfare recipients, those too lazy to work for minimum wage and all bleeding heart liberals who advocate for such societal leeches into a second dumpster, making sure the lid is shut tight so that no air can get in.
  4. In a third dumpster, also behind the White House, toss in the Environmental Protection Agency, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, opponents of the Keystone Pipeline and anyone else who believes the American government has a responsibility to regulate Big Banking, respond to global warming or ensure that all women are allowed to make adult decisions about their own bodies. Then, ship all three dumpsters and their leftist contents to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts where they rightfully belong, and where they have a harbor of sufficient depth to entomb the dumpsters for eternity.
  5. Next, take all the money saved with the elimination of the above programs and agencies and convert them into untraceable securities and currency made up of large denominational bills, which you will then place in a giant Louis Vuitton designer container in the lobby of the Goldman Sachs building in New York City.

Do not notify the police or attempt to trace the ransom. If anyone other than a millionaire or a billionaire, or their representatives, attempts to retrieve the ransom we will blow up the capitol building, even if we are inside it at the time.

Should you fail to follow the above instructions to the letter or, even worse, assist President Obama to succeed in any way, you will never see your democracy again.