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TRUMP SHOOTS FIFTH AVENUE PEDESTRIAN, REPUBLICANS INSIST “NO CRIME COMMITTED!” (SATIRE REDUX!)

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(updated from an earlier essay to reflect the shameless and cowardly behavior at Trump’s senate trial)

In a bizarre twist on the politics and unpredictability of the Trump Impeachment imbroglio, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, yesterday shot and killed a homeless man as he was crossing Fifth Avenue in New York City.

When asked why he chose to shoot a total stranger, President Trump explained, “I was working on reducing homelessness in America. No crime, no collusion, it was a perfect shot.” Trump went on to explain, “Being more brilliant and observant than any previous president, I noticed Fox’s Nielsen ratings were starting to sag after my acquittal in the United States Senate. As the star of the impeachment drama, and a member of the Screen Actors Guild, I was obligated and uniquely qualified to boost Fox’s TV ratings whenever and howsoever necessary. I figured the shooting was good for a 30% viewer spike.”

“You want some of this?”

“According to the 2nd amendment of the Constitution,” Trump continued, “the President cannot be tried for crimes committed in office, not that reducing homelessness is a crime. I just sincerely hope the fellow I shot was a Democrat,” he added, the sound of Trump family laughter rising up in the background.

With the congressional impeachment saga now behind him, Trump’s latest criminal “outrage”—as the Democrats define it—is just one more minor obstacle on the rocky road Republican senators must travel in these days of a wild and wooly Trump presidency. A road on which they must travel blind, wearing blinders in some cases, in order not to see (or judge) the president’s myriad crimes and transgressions.

Is this Lindsey Graham’s “Nothing burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce?”

Trump’s erstwhile congressional defenders were the first to reject the notion that the shooting would have any impact on the President’s ability to play golf, hold political rallies, manage his investments or run the Department of Justice, all highest priorities for our 45th president. Senator Lindsey Graham rejected the idea of Trump’s criminal liability for the shooting, calling it “A nothing-burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce,” while Republican House defenders Jim Jordan and Doug Collins refused to accept that a crime had been committed. “How could the President know the gun was loaded?” Jordan asked. “And where was Hunter Biden at the time of the shooting?” 

Republican Senators are expected to ignore all of President Trump’s crimes and misdemeanors in an effort to remain fair and impartial should he once again face impeachment or any other attempted restraint on his self-bestowed freedom to do whatever the hell he wants.