There is no more room for civility or living with the status quo. Too much is at stake, including the survival of our democracy. If you think I’m exaggerating, take a look at what we’ve seen over the last three years.
THAT MAN MUST GO!
Right this moment, there are children being kept in cages, ripped from the bosom of their families as a marker of one man’s cruel intentions. That man is responsible for all of it. Not because he cares about anything beyond his own political fortunes, but because he lives in a benighted world where he is all-powerful and nobody has the right to ignore or disobey his word. 70,000 families have been separated at the border under his uncaring leadership.
THAT MAN MUST GO!
There are reasons why the leaders of the free world are laughing at that man behind his back, and it isn’t because they respect his strength or admire his brilliance. He is a boor and an embarrassment. What else can they do but laugh when confronted with an American President devoid of honesty, compassion or integrity? An American President who consistently turns his back on his allies and identifies more with brutal tyrants than the victims of their tyrannical brutality. An American President whose single favorite topic of conversation is…himself.
THAT MAN MUST GO!
That man is mean, vicious and seemingly without compassion. His charitable foundation was merely another source of income. His work ethic is non-existent, his two greatest companions during the workday being golf and Fox News. His code of honor mirrors that of a thief, measuring personal success in how well he can stiff an honest tradesman, boondoggle the U.S. Treasury or finagle an extra buck from a negotiation when no one is looking.
THAT MAN MUST GO!
That man has divided our nation, reinvigorated white supremacists, emboldened racists and homegrown nazis. He has been a one-man wrecking crew, defenestrating NATO and tearing apart our relationships with decades-old allies. He has slashed the effort and efficacy of government agencies that protect the health, safety and welfare of the American people. Our intelligence agencies are under constant attack. He has fouled our air and water, toppling regulations meant to protect our environment. Perhaps cruelest and most insensitive of all, his policies enflame a menacing Climate disaster he continues to deny.
THAT MAN MUST GO!
That man is a bully. He has turned the Justice and State Departments into weaponized instruments serving his own personal interests. He has publicly shamed government employees who faithfully serve their country. Ambassadors, soldiers, intelligence officers, honored veterans, senators, representatives, war heroes and gold-star parents—even a 16-year-old climate activist—have all known the sharp cut of his derisive, often ill-informed, cruelty.
THAT MAN MUST GO!
That man lies more than he tells the truth. He can’t accept criticism or direction. He needs to be surrounded with toadies and sycophants; brown-nosers who will move the boundaries of entire states on weather maps just to soothe his ego and avoid his Baby Huey tantrums. If we don’t make him leave, he will betray his oath of office again. Guaranteed. It was only a day after Bob Mueller’s House testimony failed to incriminate him that he was strong-arming the Ukraine’s Zelensky. A single day!
THAT MAN MUST GO!
That man is so small-minded he will never accept responsibility for his own fall. He is too vindictive to resist retaliating against perceived enemies like the impoverished and devastated island of Puerto Rico. He is strangling their recovery efforts, doling out recovery aid in droplets to repay the island’s perceived lack of presidential appreciation and respect.
Anyone need a roll of paper towels?
THAT MAN MUST GO!
If we leave that man in power he will unquestionably find other ways to use his office to help win re-election in 2020. He will reign terror down on anyone perceived as an active participant in his impeachment. He will further destroy the institutions, people and relationships within his sphere of influence.
Know this if you know nothing else. That man will do anything he can to monetize his presidential power for his own benefit.
That man’s name is Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States.
In a bizarre twist on the politics and unpredictability of the Trump Impeachment, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, yesterday shot and killed a homeless man as he was crossing Fifth Avenue in New York City.
When asked why he chose to shoot a total stranger, President Trump explained, “I was working on reducing homelessness in America. No crime, no collusion, it was a perfect shot.” Trump went on to explain, “Being more brilliant and observant than any previous president, I noticed the impeachment’s Nielsen ratings were starting to sag. As the star of the impeachment drama, and a member of the Screen Actors Guild, I was obligated and uniquely qualified to boost TV ratings whenever and howsoever necessary. I figured the shooting was good for a 30% viewer spike.”
Trump continued, “According to the 2nd amendment of the Constitution, the President cannot be tried for crimes committed in office, not that reducing homelessness is a crime. I just sincerely hope the fellow I shot was a Democrat,” he added, the sound of Trump family laughter rising up around him.
With the congressional impeachment saga running into its third month, and with the House due to vote for impeachment tomorrow, Trump’s latest criminal “outrage”—as the Democrats define it—is just one more obstacle on the long rocky road Republican senators must travel in the days ahead. A road on which they must travel blind, in order not to see (or judge) the president’s myriad crimes and transgressions.
Trump’s erstwhile congressional defenders were the first to reject the notion that the shooting would have any impact on the President’s impeachment. Senator Lindsey Graham rejected the idea of Trump’s criminal liability for the shooting, calling it “A nothing-burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce,” while Republican House defenders Jim Jordan and Doug Collins refused to accept that a crime had been committed. “How could the President know the gun was loaded?” Jordan asked. “And where was Hunter Biden at the time of the shooting?”
Republican Senators are expected to ignore all of President Trump’s crimes and misdemeanors in an effort to remain fair and impartial at his trial.
(F-BOMB ALERT: The following satiric essay contains multiple F-Bombs. Read at your own discretion!)
After much deliberation, I am making two historic announcements. First off, I proudly announce I am officially, as of today, renouncing my pie-in-the-sky, do-gooder liberal bias, and applying for membership in the fabled ranks of Republican Americanus. Yes, I am joining the Republican Party. I admit to being a Scrooge-like tightwad. I admit to hating everyone under 45, and everyone with less than a million dollars in their portfolio, and of course toto el mundo who weren’t born in the good old United States of America.
America is for Americans, we Republicans always say, and you’re not really an American if you’re not smart enough to have earned a small fortune. Doesn’t matter how you earned that fortune, but if you made it by swindling old ladies out of their pensions, so much the better! And if you’re looking for a political party that will help you hold onto every penny of that fortune, even if it means having to dismantle social security and medicare, then look no further. You are a born Republican, as I am, and you’re tired of all those lazy and ignorant sons of bitches, like immigrants and convicts, who won’t get a job and who multiply like sex-starved rabbits living off our wealth and largesse.
Yes, I, Paul Steven Stone, after years of haranguing the Republicans for starting unnecessary wars, torturing enemy prisoners, ignoring the poor and middle class, representing elite and wealthy interests, stifling our liberties, protecting polluters and bugging our phones, I’ve stopped pretending I think more of others than I do of myself. I now proudly admit that I am #1! It’s all about me! My money (my family, my friends…Did I mention my money?) And nobody takes care of ME and MINE like the Republican Party. Which leads to my second announcement…
Today, as we face unprecedented scandals and political divisions (also termed an “era of great opportunity” by our president), I hereby announce my intention of running for Representative from the 11th Congressional District of Massachusetts. Running, of course, as a Republican. That means, I will take any and all contributions from anyone trying to buy influence with me. It means I will immediately tie my hands as a future lawmaker by signing a pledge that will force me to vote against any measure that might raise tax revenues. Even if America badly needs them!
Just know that I will never disappoint you. I will be your voice, your conscience, and your balls…all in one! As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take. I will say “Fuck you!” to any government program that aids or assists those less fortunate than yourself. Especially any program that cleans up the environment. I will say “Fuck You!” to anyone who thinks our government exists to serve people over corporate interests. Just listen for the echo of every vote I take as your Republican representative, “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!”
And then there’s the biggest “Fuck You!” of all: my vote against impeaching President Trump. Only a Republican could justify voting for someone who willingly, with no thought or conscience, placed our entire democratic system at peril! Just to get the goods on Joe Biden!
Only a Republican would have the balls to tell the entire country that the words they read, and heard over and over—words documenting Trump’s phone call—said exactly the opposite of what people thought they heard or read.
Just think of all the fun I’ll have in Congress as a Republican…! I’ll get to obfuscate my anti-climate voting record. I’ll get to pretend that dismantling social security will be an improvement to the way things are now.
As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take.
Not only that, I’ll get to spend desperately-needed funds on building a wall, or rebuilding a nuclear arsenal. And even though I possess no scientific understanding or basis of knowledge to refute scientifically-proven-and-accepted realities, I will get to belittle science and fuck the environment with every vote I take.
How much fun is that!
I will also get to argue against increasing taxes on ridiculously wealthy people; arguing that it would only discourage the creation of jobs.
I love that one! Like a billionaire is going to cut back on making more billions because his government asked him to pay his fair share of taxes! Right! What the hell does taxing wealthy people have to do with creating jobs? Are billionaires holding back on creating new jobs out of spite? If they are, that’s pretty pissy of them!
Enough of this stupidity. Forget all logic, put your own vested interests aside, ignore the fact I will only represent your interests half-heartedly, most of my attention going to the needs of the 1%, and vote for Paul Steven Stone (Republican) as your next Congressman. It’s time to bring back amoral, conscienceless, selfish, right-wing sense to the Massachusetts political landscape. Remember, it’s not what your country can do for its people that counts, it’s what your country can do for YOU.
Thank you and God Bless The United States of America!
Here it is, boys and girls. And just in time for the holidays. “OBFUSCATION!!” The game that takes the art of conversation and turns it into a political cat-and-mouse game.
Whether you play the INQUISITOR or the REPUBLICAN, “OBFUSCATION!” will forever challenge your notion of what it means to tell the truth. Especially when you belong to a political party tasked with selling your collective souls to defend Donald Trump against an impeachment he fully deserves.
INQUISITOR: Okay, to start: At which hotel did Rudy Giuliani and his two Soviet henchmen stay when visiting Kiev?
REPUBLICAN: The Hotel Perfidy, where Joe Biden and his son Hunter always stay…when hiding out in Kiev.
INQUISITOR: How can Donald Trump deny there was a quid pro quo when his own transcript has him shaking down Zelensky on the phone call?
REPUBLICAN: There is no quid pro quo on the phone call. Your eyes, ears, or maybe your political inclinations, betray you. The bribe, if you want to call it that, was never consummated. Zelensky never actually announced the investigations. No quid pro quo when you ain’t got the quo, bro.
INQUISITOR: We’ve just gone through two weeks of witnesses testifying about Trump and Giuliani’s shadow foreign policy. Do we know yet why that Ukrainian oligarch paid Rudy $500,000?
REPUBLICAN: I believe that was a one-time payment for Rudy helping the oligarch reset his iPhone.
INQUISITOR: Are you aware that Donald Trump claimed no prior acquaintance with either Lev Parnas or Igor Fruman, Mr. Giuliani’s arrested associates, even though both appear in numerous photographs with Mr. Trump?
Such as this one at the circumcision, or briss, of Mr. Parnas’ first-born son?
REPUBLICAN: And who is that next to the president in the photo?
INQUISITOR: That’s the blade man himself, the circumciser, who within the tribe is called a moyel.
REPUBLICAN: No matter; the president takes pictures with thousands of people. Many of whom he does not know. That could be from any of a hundred brisses the president attends in a month.
INQUISITOR: Okee-dokee, have it your way. For the rest of us… It’s time to play, DOUBLE OBFUSCATION! That’s the speed dial version of our game in which the Republican gets lightning-fast questions and no time to think about his response, which must be in the form of a question. Are you ready?
REPUBLICAN: Was that your first question?
INQUISITOR: Ohh, very good. You’re a genuine smart ass, aintcha? And my real first question is: Gordan Sondland?
REPUBLICAN: Which totally inexperienced millionaire diplomat was appointed Ambassador to the European Union, with immediate membership in the legendary Three Amigos of many fanciful Ukraine adventures?
INQUISITOR: Second question: The amount of military aid Trump withheld from Ukraine?
REPUBLICAN: Aha! Trick question! Ukraine ultimately received its military aid, therefore my answer must be…Which country’s totally withheld military aid equals Zero?
INQUISITOR: If a poll came out showing a majority of Americans favor impeaching and removing the president, what would you say?
REPUBLICAN: Fake news?
INQUISITOR: And if I tell you the president definitely committed an impeachable offense, what would you say?
REPUBLICAN: Impeachable offence? For what? For threatening to withhold critical military supplies to a country at war with Russia? For putting an entire country—and the national security of the United States of America—at risk? For his own personal gain? What’s impeachable about that?
INQUISITOR: And if you saw the president shooting someone on Fifth Avenue, what would you say?
REPUBLICAN: It was an accident. I mean, how could he know the gun was loaded?