Tag Archives: Republican Party

ZIEG HEIL, TRUMP!

Cover from a German magazine.

After months of listening to Republican enablers, sycophants and outright stooges of President Trump offer their abject fealty to their leader, I am now seriously worried about the fate and future of our country and its constitution.

Not since Adolph Hitler has a human being so flawed, selfish and self-aggrandizing been allowed to run roughshod over the country that elected him into power. The framers of our constitution saw exactly the rise of a politician like Trump and built into the spine of our laws the balance of powers and the mandate to impeach any president who abused his powers or degraded his office.

In attempting to extort Ukraine into conducting a bogus investigation of a political rival, and holding up critically needed military aid to force their obeisance to his wishes, Trump has abused his powers, degraded his office and trashed our constitution.

Today in the Senate we are witnessing the frightening power of one man popular enough—FEARED enough—to cast a gripping, paralyzing shadow over the independence and integrity of the political party that once ranked Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt amongst its ranks. Gone are the statesmen and stateswomen of that party, replaced by those who would cling to power at any cost, no matter the damage to the country they will leave behind for their children and ours.

Gone, too, is any semblance of balance between the pillars of our government. Those pillars will be torn down the exact moment the Republican-controlled Senate votes to acquit the man who would accept no boundaries to his power, and no oversight of his actions. Once acquitted, he will proclaim his exoneration and immediately resume his unconstitutional efforts to bolster his power and enrich himself by amounts too staggering to contemplate. Which is really only a continuation of his behavior to date.

This is not the place to argue Trump’s guilt or innocence. Like the thief who was caught with his hand in your pocket, he isn’t worthy of defense. He isn’t worthy of arguments that deny his intent or attempt to confuse the issue. He is guilty, and what’s more every single one of his Republican defenders knows it. As do his attorneys and the fawning sycophants at Fox News.

We shouldn’t be arguing about his guilt or innocence. We should be yanking his hand out of our pocket!

Alexander Hamilton wisely predicted the advent of a self-aggrandizing president with these words, recalled by Adam Schiff today in his Senate oratory: “When a man unprincipled in private life desperate in his fortune, bold in his temper, possessed of considerable talents, having the advantage of military habits—despotic in his ordinary demeanor—known to have scoffed in private at the principles of liberty—when such a man is seen to mount the hobby horse of popularity—to join in the cry of danger to liberty—to take every opportunity of embarrassing the General Government & bringing it under suspicion—to flatter and fall in with all the non sense of the zealots of the day—it may justly be suspected that his object is to throw things into confusion that he may ‘ride the storm and direct the whirlwind.'”

And now, owing to the weakness and cowardice of Trump’s Republican enablers, we are about to see the rise of a United States President truly unbounded by honesty, compassion, respect for his office or concerns about the welfare of those he governs. A president who, like Adolph Hitler, will unerringly follow his worst instincts.

Heaven help us all!

WHY I JOINED THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. A confession from a former liberal.

Is this my personal crossroads?

(F-BOMB ALERT: The following satiric essay contains multiple F-Bombs. Read at your own discretion!) 

After much deliberation, I am making two historic announcements. First off, I proudly announce I am officially, as of today, renouncing my pie-in-the-sky, do-gooder liberal bias, and applying for membership in the fabled ranks of Republican Americanus. Yes, I am joining the Republican Party. I admit to being a Scrooge-like tightwad. I admit to hating everyone under 45, and everyone with less than a million dollars in their portfolio, and of course toto el mundo who weren’t born in the good old United States of America. 

America is for Americans, we Republicans always say, and you’re not really an American if you’re not smart enough to have earned a small fortune. Doesn’t matter how you earned that fortune, but if you made it by swindling old ladies out of their pensions, so much the better! And if you’re looking for a political party that will help you hold onto every penny of that fortune, even if it means having to dismantle social security and medicare, then look no further. You are a born Republican, as I am, and you’re tired of all those lazy and ignorant sons of bitches, like immigrants and convicts, who won’t get a job and who multiply like sex-starved rabbits living off our wealth and largesse. 

Yes, I, Paul Steven Stone, after years of haranguing the Republicans for starting unnecessary wars, torturing enemy prisoners, ignoring the poor and middle class, representing elite and wealthy interests, stifling our liberties, protecting polluters and bugging our phones, I’ve stopped pretending I think more of others than I do of myself. I now proudly admit that I am #1! It’s all about me! My money (my family, my friends…Did I mention my money?) And nobody takes care of ME and MINE like the Republican Party. Which leads to my second announcement…

Today, as we face unprecedented scandals and political divisions (also termed an “era of great opportunity” by our president), I hereby announce my intention of running for Representative from the 11th Congressional District of Massachusetts. Running, of course, as a Republican. That means, I will take any and all contributions from anyone trying to buy influence with me. It means I will immediately tie my hands as a future lawmaker by signing a pledge that will force me to vote against any measure that might raise tax revenues. Even if America badly needs them!

Just know that I will never disappoint you. I will be your voice, your conscience, and your balls…all in one! As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take. I will say “Fuck you!” to any government program that aids or assists those less fortunate than yourself. Especially any program that cleans up the environment. I will say “Fuck You!” to anyone who thinks our government exists to serve people over corporate interests. Just listen for the echo of every vote I take as your Republican representative, “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!”

And then there’s the biggest “Fuck You!” of all: my vote against impeaching President Trump. Only a Republican could justify voting for someone who willingly, with no thought or conscience, placed our entire democratic system at peril! Just to get the goods on Joe Biden!

Only a Republican would have the balls to tell the entire country that the words they read, and heard over and over—words documenting Trump’s phone call—said exactly the opposite of what people thought they heard or read.

Just think of all the fun I’ll have in Congress as a Republican…!  I’ll get to obfuscate my anti-climate voting record. I’ll get to pretend that dismantling social security will be an improvement to the way things are now. 

As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take.

Not only that, I’ll get to spend desperately-needed funds on building a wall, or rebuilding a nuclear arsenal. And even though I possess no scientific understanding or basis of knowledge to refute scientifically-proven-and-accepted realities, I will get to belittle science and fuck the environment with every vote I take. 

How much fun is that!

I will also get to argue against increasing taxes on ridiculously wealthy people; arguing that it would only discourage the creation of jobs.

I love that one! Like a billionaire is going to cut back on making more billions because his government asked him to pay his fair share of taxes! Right! What the hell does taxing wealthy people have to do with creating jobs? Are billionaires holding back on creating new jobs out of spite? If they are, that’s pretty pissy of them!

Enough of this stupidity. Forget all logic, put your own vested interests aside, ignore the fact I will only represent your interests half-heartedly, most of my attention going to the needs of the 1%, and vote for Paul Steven Stone (Republican) as your next Congressman. It’s time to bring back amoral, conscienceless, selfish, right-wing sense to the Massachusetts political landscape. Remember, it’s not what your country can do for its people that counts, it’s what your country can do for YOU. 

Thank you and God Bless The United States of America!

Please, God!

Mitt Romney To Run Again For President—This Time As Democrat!

Washington, D.C. Who said America’s favorite BFF (Billionaire flip-flopper) was washed up; through with politics?

Mitt laughingly explains his latest political stance.

Mitt laughingly explains his latest political stance.

Having resolutely declared his exodus from American politics (“No, no, no, no, no, no…!”), Mitt Romney appeared to once again dip his toe in Republican Presidential waters. Ultimately finding the temperature too cold, especially with Jeb Bush putting a lip-lock on the party’s biggest donors, The Mittster yet again shocked the political world by declaring his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

“Yes, you heard that correctly,” Romney declared while the crowd of reporters erupted into an unruly chorus of shouted questions. “The Democratic nomination!” he repeated, with a deep-throated hyena laugh, then turned to his wife Anne for reassurance that this was, in fact, today’s political stance.

This was a morning few political junkies will ever forget, Mitt Romney stepping out of the closet and declaring himself a “full-blooded and full-throated Democrat.” No sooner had he pulled his hat out of the ring in the Republican race for the presidency, than he was signing up to challenge Hillary Clinton for the nomination of his newly-adopted political party.

“I’ve always been more progressive and more of a Democrat than Hillary,” Romney declared. “Heck, I was more progressive than President Obama, for Heaven’s sakes! Remember, RomneyCare came first, ObamaCare came second.”

Romney went on to explain, “I’ve always been a Democrat at heart, no matter what I may have said at stuffy Republican fundraisers. We Democrats take care of the poor and the middle class. And the seniors! Don’t forget the seniors! As a Democratic President, I won’t let Republicans cut or kill Social Security, that was all Paul Ryan’s agenda, not mine. On my watch, nobody falls between the cracks. Gosh, first thing I’ll propose as president is an increase in taxes for the wealthy. Who knows better than me, how much more the 1% can afford to pay. You’d be shocked how much money’s left sitting on the table.

When asked how he could just walk away from conservative positions he’s been avowing for years, Romney smiled sheepishly, asking “Why not, they were pretty stupid positions, weren’t they? All the time I was pretending to hate poor people, threatening to nuke the Middle East, and working to demolish the middle class, I was really chafing at the bit to declare my love for my fellow man.  When I promised to dismantle Obamacare on my first day as President I was not in my right mind, sharing a stage at the time with Rick Perry, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Besides that’s old business. This is the new Romney. And this Romney can’t wait to debate Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and others of my fellow Democrats.”

When reporters questioned more recent Romney comments condemning President Obama’s performance, the former Massachusetts governor appeared rattled. “Well, what would you expect?” he shot back, “The man took four whole years to turn around an economy that was sacked, gang-banged and left for dead by the Bush administration. What the hell was he doing all that time, playing basketball? Nor does it matter that he rescued the American automobile industry. Anybody in his place would have done the same thing. Hell, if you thought I was heartless in strapping old Seamus to the top of our family wagon, how does that compare to Obama walking away from Health Care Reform without putting a public option in place? Everyone knows the insurance industry will make hash of any real financial reforms without the presence of a public option.”

Speaking about the danger of once again being called a flip-flopper for jumping political parties, especially at a time when Jeb Bush’s fortunes were rapidly rising in his former party, Romney declared, “What if I promise voters this is the last time? Today—and forever—Mitt Romney truly believes women have a right to make decisions about their bodies. That humans are the cause of Global Warming. That Darwin was a scientist and not the anti-Christ. Yes, and the new Mitt Romney believes America lost its way when we attacked Iraq without a clear reason, or when we tortured prisoners and called it ‘enhanced interrogation.

“And lastly,” Romney continued with a sheepish grin, “I have to admit that corporations really aren’t…well, you know…people. Definitely not people! That sounded so lame not even Fox News reporters could repeat it without breaking into laughter.

“So in summation,” Romney concluded, “I hope Democratic primary voters will forgive my shifting affiliations and contradictory positions. As Emerson once said, ‘A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.’ And, please, remember, I may have dated Conservatives and Tea Partiers, but I never actually slept with them.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no…!”

 

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I hope my readers and, of course, Mitt Romney himself will forgive me if once again I return to the bottomless well of Mitt’s presidential ambitions to fish out an easy laugh or two. In all honesty, I felt the need to hear the sound of laughter instead of snow plows and apparently did not have enough character or willpower to resist.