Tag Archives: impeachment

WELCOME TO THE DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

“Welcome, welcome! We are pleased to welcome you to the Best Presidential Library in the United States. Inside these glorious gilded walls you will find mementoes and exhibits relating to the abbreviated presidential term of Donald J. Trump, the only president with an asterisk after his name in the history books. 

The Consigliere

“An asterisk after a president’s name, as President Trump has frequently stated, denotes a presidency of exceptional accomplishment and stratospheric Nielson ratings. Those who argue the asterisk has other, less laudatory meanings, have been proven liars or placed under indictment by Mr. Trump’s official consigliere, William Barr.

Not shown in photo: President Trump walking behind with shovel and broom.

“As you move into the library, in the room on your left, you will notice a diorama depicting a bare-chested Vladamir Putin hunting Siberian tigers on horseback, with President Trump walking behind carrying broom and shovel. This is the library’s famous “Hunting Buddies” room. 

“Just next door is President Trump’s “My Funny Valentine” room featuring photos of North Korea’s Kim Jung-Un, also on horseback, and also followed by the president carrying broom and shovel. And, yes, that is a cupid shown hovering above the two men.

Visitors to The Miss Universe Pageant room.

“Next, also on your left, is The Miss Universe Pageant room, to celebrate an earlier period in the President’s long and varied career. Note the racks of beautiful gowns and bathing suits, as well as dressing rooms for pageant contestants. As this is an interactive library, all attractive women visitors between the ages of 22 and 38 are encouraged to try on one of the beauty queen outfits in the dressing rooms, and to ignore the closed circuit cameras they’ll find in each. Those cameras are solely to prevent theft. Every day, one lucky visitor will be chosen to have President Trump walk in while she is dressing, a sign of favor often shown to pageant contestants through the years.

One of President Trump’s 23 accusers.

Moving along, we come to the library’s most controversial exhibit, The Jungle Room (occasionally called “Liars, Sluts, Bimbos and Litigants” by the president). Those 23 life-size statues represent the malicious women who have falsely charged President Trump with improper sexual advances ranging from peeping tom-ism to groping to, yes, even rape. In addition to suing each of his accusers for slander, President Trump has offered to pay a small sum towards their survivor’s therapy.

“Lost your home? Here’s something to make you feel better!”

“That darkened room on the right, ladies and gentlemen, is filled with flags from every nation the President has humorously termed a “shithole” country. In addition to most African and South American nations, you will find the flags of Mexico, Ukraine and Puerto Rico. We obviously realize Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory, but President Trump insisted they be included. On the movie screen in the back you can see a continuous loop of President Trump tossing paper towels to those who lost their homes in Hurricane Maria. 

Two of the featued statues in “The Rogues Gallery” room. For just $20 you can throw rocks and try to dunk them in their tanks.

“Next on the right, as we turn this corner, is the most controversial room in the library, “The Rogues Gallery,” in which you will find animatronic statues of the President’s most strident and ardent enemies. Inside you will find life-sized statues of Robert Mueller, Rod Rosenstein, Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman, Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and many others who trampled on President Trump’s constitutionally-authorized right to do whatever-the-hell he wants as president. Also featured, suspended over dunk tanks, are Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. For a modest $20 fee, visitors can toss rocks at both statues, with a chance to win a jackpot should they knock either statue off its perch. All monies collected, as with the $50 library admittance fee, will be donated to President Trump’s favorite charity.

President Trump making one of his tough presidential decisions.

“You ask about that Doomsday clock on the wall near the Fox News Room display…? President Trump personally commissioned that clock to keep track of the many millions spent on security details for his golfing vacations at Mar-A-Lago. Once the sum rose above $100 million, there was some concern the expenses would unknowingly drain the United States Treasury, but the president wasn’t so much worried about the treasury as curious about how much the Secret Service was spending at his resort. Reports have him very pleased.

From the Trump Library’s Obama Room.

“Now, watch your step as you enter the last room in our library and museum, the “Obama Room.” Filled with photos of President Barack Obama pasted on gun range targets, dart boards and punching bags, this is the room most visited and utilized by the president himself. Notice the papers in the fireplace. They consist of every executive order and bill signed by President Obama during his term, as well as hundreds of birth certificates from Kenya that prove Obama’s foreign birth.

“Please be careful as you leave the library, folks! There is a U.S. military drone circling the library in the upper atmosphere. Any sudden move by an individual of color or someone wearing Muslim dress could trigger an unwarranted attack similar to the assassination of Qasem Soleimani of Iran. 

This rocket could be aimed at you.

“If you wish to purchase insurance to avoid such an attack, you can pay Rudy Giuliani or Vice President Mike Pence $1000 as you leave. As with the other fees, all monies collected will go directly to the President’s favorite charity. 

“We’ll let you guess what that might be.”

THAT MAN MUST GO!

THAT MAN MUST GO!

There is no more room for civility or living with the status quo. Too much is at stake, including the survival of our democracy. If you think I’m exaggerating, take a look at what we’ve seen over the last three years.

THAT MAN MUST GO!

Right this moment, there are children being kept in cages, ripped from the bosom of their families as a marker of one man’s cruel intentions. That man is responsible for all of it. Not because he cares about anything beyond his own political fortunes, but because he lives in a benighted world where he is all-powerful and nobody has the right to ignore or disobey his word. 70,000 families have been separated at the border under his uncaring leadership.

THAT MAN MUST GO!

There are reasons why the leaders of the free world are laughing at that man behind his back, and it isn’t because they respect his strength or admire his brilliance. He is a boor and an embarrassment. What else can they do but laugh when confronted with an American President devoid of honesty, compassion or integrity? An American President who consistently turns his back on his allies and identifies more with brutal tyrants than the victims of their tyrannical brutality. An American President whose single favorite topic of conversation is…himself.

THAT MAN MUST GO!

That man is mean, vicious and seemingly without compassion. His charitable foundation was merely another source of income. His work ethic is non-existent, his two greatest companions during the workday being golf and Fox News. His code of honor mirrors that of a thief, measuring personal success in how well he can stiff an honest tradesman, boondoggle the U.S. Treasury or finagle an extra buck from a negotiation when no one is looking. 

THAT MAN MUST GO!

That man has divided our nation, reinvigorated white supremacists, emboldened racists and homegrown nazis. He has been a one-man wrecking crew, defenestrating NATO and tearing apart our relationships with decades-old allies. He has slashed the effort and efficacy of government agencies that protect the health, safety and welfare of the American people. Our intelligence agencies are under constant attack. He has fouled our air and water, toppling regulations meant to protect our environment. Perhaps cruelest and most insensitive of all, his policies enflame a menacing Climate disaster he continues to deny.

THAT MAN MUST GO!

That man is a bully. He has turned the Justice and State Departments into weaponized instruments serving his own personal interests. He has publicly shamed government employees who faithfully serve their country. Ambassadors, soldiers, intelligence officers, honored veterans, senators, representatives, war heroes and gold-star parents—even a 16-year-old climate activist—have all known the sharp cut of his derisive, often ill-informed, cruelty.

THAT MAN MUST GO!

That man lies more than he tells the truth. He can’t accept criticism or direction. He needs to be surrounded with toadies and sycophants; brown-nosers who will move the boundaries of entire states on weather maps just to soothe his ego and avoid his Baby Huey tantrums. If we don’t make him leave, he will betray his oath of office again. Guaranteed. It was only a day after Bob Mueller’s House testimony failed to incriminate him that he was strong-arming the Ukraine’s Zelensky. A single day!

THAT MAN MUST GO!

That man is so small-minded he will never accept responsibility for his own fall. He is too vindictive to resist retaliating against perceived enemies like the impoverished and devastated island of Puerto Rico. He is strangling their recovery efforts, doling out recovery aid in droplets to repay the island’s perceived lack of presidential appreciation and respect.

Anyone need a roll of paper towels?

THAT MAN MUST GO!

If we leave that man in power he will unquestionably find other ways to use his office to help win re-election in 2020. He will reign terror down on anyone perceived as an active participant in his impeachment. He will further destroy the institutions, people and relationships within his sphere of influence. 

Know this if you know nothing else. That man will do anything he can to monetize his presidential power for his own benefit.

That man’s name is Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States.

AND THAT MAN MUST GO!

TRUMP SHOOTS FIFTH AVENUE PEDESTRIAN, REPUBLICANS INSIST “NO CRIME COMMITTED!”

In a bizarre twist on the politics and unpredictability of the Trump Impeachment, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, yesterday shot and killed a homeless man as he was crossing Fifth Avenue in New York City.

When asked why he chose to shoot a total stranger, President Trump explained, “I was working on reducing homelessness in America. No crime, no collusion, it was a perfect shot.” Trump went on to explain, “Being more brilliant and observant than any previous president, I noticed the impeachment’s Nielsen ratings were starting to sag. As the star of the impeachment drama, and a member of the Screen Actors Guild, I was obligated and uniquely qualified to boost TV ratings whenever and howsoever necessary. I figured the shooting was good for a 30% viewer spike.”

“You want some of this?”

Trump continued, “According to the 2nd amendment of the Constitution, the President cannot be tried for crimes committed in office, not that reducing homelessness is a crime. I just sincerely hope the fellow I shot was a Democrat,” he added, the sound of Trump family laughter rising up around him.

With the congressional impeachment saga running into its third month, and with the House due to vote for impeachment tomorrow, Trump’s latest criminal “outrage”—as the Democrats define it—is just one more obstacle on the long rocky road Republican senators must travel in the days ahead. A road on which they must travel blind, in order not to see (or judge) the president’s myriad crimes and transgressions.

Is this Lindsey Graham’s “Nothing burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce?”

Trump’s erstwhile congressional defenders were the first to reject the notion that the shooting would have any impact on the President’s impeachment. Senator Lindsey Graham rejected the idea of Trump’s criminal liability for the shooting, calling it “A nothing-burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce,” while Republican House defenders Jim Jordan and Doug Collins refused to accept that a crime had been committed. “How could the President know the gun was loaded?” Jordan asked. “And where was Hunter Biden at the time of the shooting?” 

Republican Senators are expected to ignore all of President Trump’s crimes and misdemeanors in an effort to remain fair and impartial at his trial.  

A Declaration of Interdependence

(a gentle reminder of what America once stood for, and what it appears to have lost today.)

WE THE PEOPLE of the free and independent United States herby declare our interconnectedness and responsibility for one another. Recognizing that we were originally formed as a political unit to throw off the cruelties of a despotic ruler, we re-commit ourselves to those principles which set us apart from nations whose enrichment of their ruling classes have inflicted undue harm upon their populations from time immemorial.

In light of recent activities and political maneuverings by the moneyed classes of our society, we feel the need to once again state those values we believe are embodied or implied in both our nation’s Constitution and Declaration of Independence, namely that…

  • All citizens are entitled to unhindered access to those essentials necessary in a modern society to foster Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, including a healthy diet, safe and affordable housing, an advanced education, an unbiased political system, freedom from fear or repression, and a government committed to the avoidance of war and the pursuit of peace.
  • To secure such essentials, it is necessary to immediately develop and institute such rules of behavior and political jurisprudence that acknowledge and reestablish the equality of all individuals in our society; those actions to include…

-Removing the power and influence of money from all democratic institutions and political activities, understanding that, far from engendering free speech, the unfettered flow of money only allows moneyed interests to drown out the voices of those with lesser wealth or influence;

– Restoring a fair and equitable tax system that recognizes all individuals benefit equally from systems, protections and services provided by our governing bodies, and that more should be expected from those who, because of circumstance or personal effort have a preponderance of a nation’s wealth, while less should be taken from those who have little enough for themselves;

– Restoring equal justice and punishment to those at all levels of our society, so that those who caused economic chaos and destruction in pursuit of their own selfish outcomes, as well as those who unleashed the dogs of war for no good cause, and those who abused public office for personal gain, are given a fair and impartial trial before the eyes of the world, as a lesson to others and a clear indicator of our commitment to the rule of law, even for the most powerful among us;

– Gradually reducing the country’s dependence on, and enthrallment to, the military industrial complex. Recognizing that, as recently evidenced, weak-minded or short-sighted leaders can make unfortunate military decisions that often result in unnecessary death, destruction and the wasteful expenditure of national wealth. Also recognizing that the maintenance of a large global military footprint not only increases the likelihood of America being drawn into war, but significantly reduces those assets available for keeping commitments to citizens at all levels of the socio-economic ladder.

We offer the above Declaration of Interdependence as a road map for our country to begin returning to its rightful path, to once again become a beacon on a hill to other nations, a paragon of virtue among world powers, driven equally by principle and compassion, and untroubled by the internal strife that rules public debate when blind self-interest and self-righteous bravado hold sway.

So offered for consideration this December, 2019, a time when Americans sorely need to reconnect with the underlying principles of our Democracy.

WHY I JOINED THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. A confession from a former liberal.

Is this my personal crossroads?

(F-BOMB ALERT: The following satiric essay contains multiple F-Bombs. Read at your own discretion!) 

After much deliberation, I am making two historic announcements. First off, I proudly announce I am officially, as of today, renouncing my pie-in-the-sky, do-gooder liberal bias, and applying for membership in the fabled ranks of Republican Americanus. Yes, I am joining the Republican Party. I admit to being a Scrooge-like tightwad. I admit to hating everyone under 45, and everyone with less than a million dollars in their portfolio, and of course toto el mundo who weren’t born in the good old United States of America. 

America is for Americans, we Republicans always say, and you’re not really an American if you’re not smart enough to have earned a small fortune. Doesn’t matter how you earned that fortune, but if you made it by swindling old ladies out of their pensions, so much the better! And if you’re looking for a political party that will help you hold onto every penny of that fortune, even if it means having to dismantle social security and medicare, then look no further. You are a born Republican, as I am, and you’re tired of all those lazy and ignorant sons of bitches, like immigrants and convicts, who won’t get a job and who multiply like sex-starved rabbits living off our wealth and largesse. 

Yes, I, Paul Steven Stone, after years of haranguing the Republicans for starting unnecessary wars, torturing enemy prisoners, ignoring the poor and middle class, representing elite and wealthy interests, stifling our liberties, protecting polluters and bugging our phones, I’ve stopped pretending I think more of others than I do of myself. I now proudly admit that I am #1! It’s all about me! My money (my family, my friends…Did I mention my money?) And nobody takes care of ME and MINE like the Republican Party. Which leads to my second announcement…

Today, as we face unprecedented scandals and political divisions (also termed an “era of great opportunity” by our president), I hereby announce my intention of running for Representative from the 11th Congressional District of Massachusetts. Running, of course, as a Republican. That means, I will take any and all contributions from anyone trying to buy influence with me. It means I will immediately tie my hands as a future lawmaker by signing a pledge that will force me to vote against any measure that might raise tax revenues. Even if America badly needs them!

Just know that I will never disappoint you. I will be your voice, your conscience, and your balls…all in one! As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take. I will say “Fuck you!” to any government program that aids or assists those less fortunate than yourself. Especially any program that cleans up the environment. I will say “Fuck You!” to anyone who thinks our government exists to serve people over corporate interests. Just listen for the echo of every vote I take as your Republican representative, “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!”

And then there’s the biggest “Fuck You!” of all: my vote against impeaching President Trump. Only a Republican could justify voting for someone who willingly, with no thought or conscience, placed our entire democratic system at peril! Just to get the goods on Joe Biden!

Only a Republican would have the balls to tell the entire country that the words they read, and heard over and over—words documenting Trump’s phone call—said exactly the opposite of what people thought they heard or read.

Just think of all the fun I’ll have in Congress as a Republican…!  I’ll get to obfuscate my anti-climate voting record. I’ll get to pretend that dismantling social security will be an improvement to the way things are now. 

As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take.

Not only that, I’ll get to spend desperately-needed funds on building a wall, or rebuilding a nuclear arsenal. And even though I possess no scientific understanding or basis of knowledge to refute scientifically-proven-and-accepted realities, I will get to belittle science and fuck the environment with every vote I take. 

How much fun is that!

I will also get to argue against increasing taxes on ridiculously wealthy people; arguing that it would only discourage the creation of jobs.

I love that one! Like a billionaire is going to cut back on making more billions because his government asked him to pay his fair share of taxes! Right! What the hell does taxing wealthy people have to do with creating jobs? Are billionaires holding back on creating new jobs out of spite? If they are, that’s pretty pissy of them!

Enough of this stupidity. Forget all logic, put your own vested interests aside, ignore the fact I will only represent your interests half-heartedly, most of my attention going to the needs of the 1%, and vote for Paul Steven Stone (Republican) as your next Congressman. It’s time to bring back amoral, conscienceless, selfish, right-wing sense to the Massachusetts political landscape. Remember, it’s not what your country can do for its people that counts, it’s what your country can do for YOU. 

Thank you and God Bless The United States of America!

Please, God!