Washington, D.C.—The Supreme Court, ratcheting up its attack on women’s rights and liberal ideology, today announced its newest doctrine on the sanctity of human life. Declaring that human life no longer begins at the moment of conception, as has been promulgated for decades by the court, the Catholic Church and right-wing paramilitary groups, but rather at the moment of ‘inspiration’ or, in other words, ‘the first tingle.” With its eye cocked on preventing such unwanted and illegal sexual stimulation, the court declared war on a long litany of movies, social activities, books, cocktails and even popular entertainers it considers unduly stimulating to humankind’s baser instincts. In essence, the court was reasserting its god-sanctified authority over the political left and anyone else who would question the court’s right to define morality and appropriate sexual behavior for all Americans.
“We’ve taken the act of creation—truly an act of God—to its primal stage, the exact moment the idea of fornication first rises in the mind of a man or a woman,” said Justice Samuel Alioto, the court’s spokesperson on matters of rectitude and moral sincerity, as the court released a 135 -page-long list of films, books and popular songs it considered “life-creating trash.” Under threat of punishments reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition, Justice Alioto and other Justice members comprising the Gang of Six decreed these prurient materials officially listed “Off Limits” for millions of Americans of all genders and religious persuasions, because, as Justice Clarence Thomas later clarified, “they invariably lead to genital stimulation, which is a clear sign that an individual has been divinely inspired to create life.”
Some of the more surprising entries on the court’s list include Anne of Green Gables, Lassie Come Home, I Love Lucy and The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire. When specifically questioned why Anne of Green Gables was banned and Portnoy’s Complaint was not, Justice Thomas reminded his interviewer that redheaded women were often regarded as objects of desire for their hair color alone, while masturbation or self-abuse was considered by the majority of the court to be the last acceptable “spilling of the Lord’s seed.”
When asked how the court could possibly enforce such a wide-ranging ban on what were previously thought to be acceptable forms of interaction and mental stimulation, Justice Kavanaugh spoke up, promising there would be a tattletale in every bar, in every dance rave, in every singles bar and every whorehouse in the country.
“The idea of installing security cameras in every American’s bedroom is still under discussion,” interjected Associate Justice Amy Coney Barrett, the newest member of the Supreme Court and, as its only female member, official mascot to the Gang of Six.
Within minutes of the court’s announcement, half a dozen politicians vying for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, including ex-President Trump, hailed the court’s newest doctrine for its potential to create tens of thousands of new jobs, as well as tweaking the liberal establishment where it hurt the most, below the belt.
Florida governor and presidential wannabe, Ron “Don’t Say Gay” DeSantis, questioned, “Why can’t President Biden come up with a jobs bill even half as creative as this?”
Adding with an impish smile, “Or should I say pro-creative!”