QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

When outrage knows no bounds.

Paul Steven Stone: Minority Leader McCarthy, your outrage over the FBI warrant to search Mar-A-Lago led to threats against Attorney General Garland and the entire Justice Department should your party retake the majority in the House. Is that correct?

MCCARTHY: Yes, so what?

PSS: How would you compare that outrage to the outrage you exhibited when President Trump sent thousands of angry and armed rioters to the Capitol on June 6th, putting your life and the lives of others at risk? Please rate them on a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest state of outrage?

MCCARTHY: The protest at the capitol; I’d rate that a 2 on the outrage scale. But only because the protesters scared the living shit out of my staff. 

PSS: And the FBI serving a warrant to search Mar-A-Lago?

MCCARTHY: That’s a ten all the way. It’s totally unprecedented in the annals of American history.

PSS: But don’t you think the failed attempt to overthrow the duly elected American government—a failed coup if you will—was also unprecedented?

MCCARTHY: Why don’t you ask me about Hillary Clinton or Hunter Biden? You liberals are all the same with your effen questions! Clinton and Biden committed crimes, but nobody raids their homes or sics FBI bullies on them. 

PSS: We’d be happy to talk about Hillary Clinton or Hunter Biden at another time. For now, we’re just interested in why your outrage dropped precipitously once the danger at the capitol passed and you had sufficient time to slow your hammering heart?

MCCARTHY: Doesn’t time often bring wisdom?

PSS: Or political recalculation… But let’s move on.… Up till now, the House Select Committee investigating the events of January 6th has conspicuously avoided talking about the 155 members of Congress who voted to reject the electoral votes from different states, thereby impeding the count and giving rioters time to break in and disrupt the proceedings. Wouldn’t you say those 155 individuals—147 Congressmen and eight Senators, to be precise—were aiding and abetting the President’s failed coup? Either willfully or unwittingly? 

MCCARTHY: NO!

PSS: No? Why No?

MCCARTHY: Because I haven’t agreed there ever was a coup in the first place. 

PSS: What would you call it?

MCCARTHY: An Antifa protest that got out of control. Or else a false flag operation by the Democratic Party. I thought I saw Chuck Schumer carrying a Black Lives Matter sign before I hid under my desk. Could have been a lot of things, not just a failed coup. 

PSS: But what if it was a failed coup?

MCCARTHY: You’ll know it’s a failed coup when you see my outrage meter climb all the way to five.