“P.S. I Fucked You!”

(The following is my idea of a never-delivered Donald Trump commencement speech at Trump University)

“Dear Graduates of Trump University,

“Today is a proud day for all of you. I offer my congratulations and best wishes, along with a treasure trove of advice that should put you one step ahead of the competition—and the law—as you pursue your journey towards untold wealth and public admiration.

“Most of what I am about to say was taught to me by my mentor, Roy Cohn, a man of prodigious talent and wisdom who was almost single-handedly responsible for America’s  internecine chaos under McCarthyism. 

“Roy always told me there were five essential rules to success, no matter what endeavor you take on. As the cherry on your cupcake here at Trump University, I am about to reveal Roy’s five essential rules for success.

Rule Number One has three parts: Cheat, Cheat and Cheat Yet Again. Not just cheating your adversaries, Roy advised me, but friends, family, employees, vendors and virtually anyone dumb enough to trust you or take what you say on faith.

“If you are pursuing a billionaire’s career in real estate, like we train you for at Trump University, always cheat on the square footage you are selling or buying. If selling, add a 10% increase to the square footage. If buying, protest that you’re being cheated by a 10% overcharge on the footage. Either way, it’s unlikely anyone will bother to check. 

Rule number One applies in any field you can think of. In politics, for example, if you’re running for office, steal ballots, falsify results, and blame your opponent for every crime you can think of. When you’re desperate, claim he’s a pedophile, then doctor photographs so he’s shown hanging around schoolyards with his hands in his pockets. 


DJT and his Trump U. cheerleaders

“Basically you have to use your imagination. One of my favorite cheats was to build my Trump towers two stories higher than the building permits would allow. Most times nobody checks on that sort of thing, but when they did I pleaded ignorance and threatened to sue them if they bothered me any further. If they still persisted, I would grudgingly agree, express my regrets, then reduce the building by a single storey.

“It’s worth noting that nothing works better or more efficiently than the threat of a lawsuit, especially from someone with enough wealth to drain all one’s savings in lawyer’s fees.

In order to deal with the aftermath of Rule Number One, you must then employ Rule Number Two, which is simply Lie, Lie, And Lie Again. 

“As you can easily see, Rule Number Two works hand in glove with Rule Number One. When anyone accuses you of cheating, immediately accuse them of slander. And even if they have proof of your cheating, double down on your denials and once again threaten to sue.

Rule Number Three is a two-parter, as well as an outgrowth of Rules Number One and Number Two: Never Admit To Your Crime and Never, Never, Never Apologize. If they catch you with your hand in the cookie jar, admit to nothing except perhaps conducting a cookie jar inventory. If you have cookie crumbs around your mouth, insist you are being framed. If they catch you actually chewing cookies, deny it adamantly and try not to spit crumbs into anyone’s face as you do it.

Rule Number Four only makes sense when you’re in a position of power or higher leverage. Put simply, Rule Number Four requires you to Scare The Living Shit Out Of Your Adversaries. And for this exercise, assume everyone in the world is an adversary. It’s a simple fact that the more successful you become the more adversaries you will accumulate. Scaring The Living Shit Out Of Your Adversaries requires you to throw tantrums, physically intimidate lowly employees, sue people at the drop of a hat and fire anyone who resists your orders or calls out your bad behavior. And, as a last resort, use force or the threat of force to coerce your adversary so he understands your absolute rights in any situation. 

E. Jean Caroll was allegedly “taken” in a Bergdorf-Goodman changing room.

“Roy’s last rule is built on the assumption you are ready to employ Rules Number One through Four. Put in its simplest terms, Rule Number Five insists that you Take Whatever You Want. If you want something bad enough, be it real estate, a romantic partner or a business deal, once you find that it isn’t nailed down, locked up or beyond your grasp, take it, and take it for keeps.

“And so you have my—and Roy Cohn’s—Five Rules For Success. As with most of what you’ve been offered at Trump University there is no charge for the offering, only an enormous service fee to cover my expenses and any class action suits that may arise from your involvement with Trump University.

“As my final words, I close with a postscript usually included at the bottom of most of my subpoenas, legal filings, excessive invoices and letters to adversaries. Please take it as a sign of my respect and appreciation for all you’ve donated during your attendance at Trump University.

“P.S. I fucked you!”

TO YOU WHO FEAR THE FUTURE.

Take a deep breath and look around. 

The world is still spinning, birds still chirping, the air still circulating and feeding your lungs. There is nothing in the present moment that will hurt you or harm your future. 

Unless you choose to make it so.

In the present moment you are safe and free from harm. All your fears are mere speculation about the future. Wisps of movie plots summoned by a mind too familiar with history’s darkest moments. Insights shabbily based on worst case scenarios.

No matter what you fear will happen, the future will make its own decisions. Fate has never been based on projections that arise from one’s own insecurities. 

Currently our chief scary thing

That is not to say bad things will not be coming at you, or that your insights into human nature will prove false. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. Bad people will inevitably do bad things. Greed and selfishness will undoubtedly breed bad behavior. Much of it, if tackled before it grows unmanageable, can be avoided or lessened. But the future will come whether you wish it to or not.

If it helps, keep in mind that we are not living in a time of exceptional or unprecedented danger. Other Americans have faced larger challenges and unimaginable threats. We do not face annihilation of our race or way of life, as did the innocent and woefully outnumbered native Americans. Nor are we—present invective aside— poised on the brink of a devastating civil war. So, yes, the Union still stands. Albeit a little more shakily after the events of last week in Washington.

You would do well to live in the present moment, as much as you can. It is only there that the concerns about the future can be met with appropriate action and words. Whether it be joining a political campaign, writing letters to newspapers or educating yourself about what is really going on.

Perhaps even writing a blog post…?

You are not wrong if you judge our country and its leaders to have lost their way. The evidence is too overwhelming to be denied. Nor are you wrong to have concerns about where things will lead.

But rather than lose sleep about the fate we are heading towards, act now while that fate can still be shaped.

And, please, don’t forget to breathe.

TEN REPUBLICAN REASONS TO ACQUIT DONALD J. TRUMP

“Carnac says The country, the constitution and the environment are totally f@©ked!”

  1. There are no direct witnesses to Trump’s crime.
  2. It would delay things too much to subpoena witnesses
  3. There is no documentary evidence to support a conviction
  4. It would delay things too much to subpoena documents
  5. My constituents would kick my ass from here to Ukraine if I voted to convict Donald Trump
  6. Donald Trump may have solicited foreign intervention in an American election, but that isn’t as bad as having my assed kicked from here to Ukraine
  7. Donald Trump promised to put my head on a spike
  8. My head would not look good on a spike
  9. My wife promised to leave me if I got myself voted out of Washington
  10. I never liked John Bolton anyway.

ZIEG HEIL, TRUMP!

Cover from a German magazine.

After months of listening to Republican enablers, sycophants and outright stooges of President Trump offer their abject fealty to their leader, I am now seriously worried about the fate and future of our country and its constitution.

Not since Adolph Hitler has a human being so flawed, selfish and self-aggrandizing been allowed to run roughshod over the country that elected him into power. The framers of our constitution saw exactly the rise of a politician like Trump and built into the spine of our laws the balance of powers and the mandate to impeach any president who abused his powers or degraded his office.

In attempting to extort Ukraine into conducting a bogus investigation of a political rival, and holding up critically needed military aid to force their obeisance to his wishes, Trump has abused his powers, degraded his office and trashed our constitution.

Today in the Senate we are witnessing the frightening power of one man popular enough—FEARED enough—to cast a gripping, paralyzing shadow over the independence and integrity of the political party that once ranked Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt amongst its ranks. Gone are the statesmen and stateswomen of that party, replaced by those who would cling to power at any cost, no matter the damage to the country they will leave behind for their children and ours.

Gone, too, is any semblance of balance between the pillars of our government. Those pillars will be torn down the exact moment the Republican-controlled Senate votes to acquit the man who would accept no boundaries to his power, and no oversight of his actions. Once acquitted, he will proclaim his exoneration and immediately resume his unconstitutional efforts to bolster his power and enrich himself by amounts too staggering to contemplate. Which is really only a continuation of his behavior to date.

This is not the place to argue Trump’s guilt or innocence. Like the thief who was caught with his hand in your pocket, he isn’t worthy of defense. He isn’t worthy of arguments that deny his intent or attempt to confuse the issue. He is guilty, and what’s more every single one of his Republican defenders knows it. As do his attorneys and the fawning sycophants at Fox News.

We shouldn’t be arguing about his guilt or innocence. We should be yanking his hand out of our pocket!

Alexander Hamilton wisely predicted the advent of a self-aggrandizing president with these words, recalled by Adam Schiff today in his Senate oratory: “When a man unprincipled in private life desperate in his fortune, bold in his temper, possessed of considerable talents, having the advantage of military habits—despotic in his ordinary demeanor—known to have scoffed in private at the principles of liberty—when such a man is seen to mount the hobby horse of popularity—to join in the cry of danger to liberty—to take every opportunity of embarrassing the General Government & bringing it under suspicion—to flatter and fall in with all the non sense of the zealots of the day—it may justly be suspected that his object is to throw things into confusion that he may ‘ride the storm and direct the whirlwind.'”

And now, owing to the weakness and cowardice of Trump’s Republican enablers, we are about to see the rise of a United States President truly unbounded by honesty, compassion, respect for his office or concerns about the welfare of those he governs. A president who, like Adolph Hitler, will unerringly follow his worst instincts.

Heaven help us all!

WELCOME TO THE DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

“Welcome, welcome! We are pleased to welcome you to the Best Presidential Library in the United States. Inside these glorious gilded walls you will find mementoes and exhibits relating to the abbreviated presidential term of Donald J. Trump, the only president with an asterisk after his name in the history books. 

The Consigliere

“An asterisk after a president’s name, as President Trump has frequently stated, denotes a presidency of exceptional accomplishment and stratospheric Nielson ratings. Those who argue the asterisk has other, less laudatory meanings, have been proven liars or placed under indictment by Mr. Trump’s official consigliere, William Barr.

Not shown in photo: President Trump walking behind with shovel and broom.

“As you move into the library, in the room on your left, you will notice a diorama depicting a bare-chested Vladamir Putin hunting Siberian tigers on horseback, with President Trump walking behind carrying broom and shovel. This is the library’s famous “Hunting Buddies” room. 

“Just next door is President Trump’s “My Funny Valentine” room featuring photos of North Korea’s Kim Jung-Un, also on horseback, and also followed by the president carrying broom and shovel. And, yes, that is a cupid shown hovering above the two men.

“Next, on your right, is The Miss Universe Pageant room, to celebrate an earlier period in the President’s long and varied career. Note the racks of beautiful gowns and bathing suits, as well as dressing rooms for pageant contestants. As this is an interactive library, all attractive women visitors between the ages of 22 and 38 are encouraged to try on one of the beauty queen outfits in the dressing rooms, and to ignore the closed circuit cameras they’ll find in each. Those cameras are solely to prevent theft. Every day, one lucky visitor will be chosen to have President Trump walk in while she is dressing, a sign of favor often shown to pageant contestants through the years.

One of President Trump’s 23 accusers.

Moving along, we come to the library’s most controversial exhibit, The Jungle Room (occasionally called “Liars, Sluts, Bimbos and Litigants” by the president). Those 23 life-size statues represent the malicious women who have falsely charged President Trump with improper sexual advances ranging from peeping tom-ism to groping to, yes, even rape. In addition to suing each of his accusers for slander, President Trump has offered to pay a small sum towards their survivor’s therapy.

“Lost your home? Here’s something to make you feel better!”

“That darkened room on the right, ladies and gentlemen, is filled with flags from every nation the President has humorously termed a “shithole” country. In addition to most African and South American nations, you will find the flags of Mexico, Ukraine and Puerto Rico. We obviously realize Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory, but President Trump insisted they be included. On the movie screen in the back you can see a continuous loop of President Trump tossing paper towels to those who lost their homes in Hurricane Maria. 

Two of the featued statues in “The Rogues Gallery” room. For just $20 you can throw rocks and try to dunk them in their tanks.

“Next on the right, as we turn this corner, is the most controversial room in the library, “The Rogues Gallery,” in which you will find animatronic statues of the President’s most strident and ardent enemies. Inside you will find life-sized statues of Robert Mueller, Rod Rosenstein, Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman, Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and many others who trampled on President Trump’s constitutionally-authorized right to do whatever-the-hell he wants as president. Also featured, suspended over dunk tanks, are Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. For a modest $20 fee, visitors can toss rocks at both statues, with a chance to win a jackpot should they knock either statue off its perch. All monies collected, as with the $50 library admittance fee, will be donated to President Trump’s favorite charity.

President Trump making one of his tough presidential decisions.

“You ask about that Doomsday clock on the wall near the Fox News Room display…? President Trump personally commissioned that clock to keep track of the many millions spent on security details for his golfing vacations at Mar-A-Lago. Once the sum rose above $100 million, there was some concern the expenses would unknowingly drain the United States Treasury, but the president wasn’t so much worried about the treasury as curious about how much the Secret Service was spending at his resort. Reports have him very pleased.

From the Trump Library’s Obama Room.

“Now, watch your step as you enter the last room in our library and museum, the “Obama Room.” Filled with photos of President Barack Obama pasted on gun range targets, dart boards and punching bags, this is the room most visited and utilized by the president himself. Notice the papers in the fireplace. They consist of every executive order and bill signed by President Obama during his term, as well as hundreds of birth certificates from Kenya that prove Obama’s foreign birth.

“Please be careful as you leave the library, folks! There is a U.S. military drone circling the library in the upper atmosphere. Any sudden move by an individual of color or someone wearing Muslim dress could trigger an unwarranted attack similar to the assassination of Qasem Soleimani of Iran. 

This rocket could be aimed at you.

“If you wish to purchase insurance to avoid such an attack, you can pay Rudy Giuliani or Vice President Mike Pence $1000 as you leave. As with the other fees, all monies collected will go directly to the President’s favorite charity. 

“Can you guess what that might be?”