A Declaration of Interdependence

(a gentle reminder of what America once stood for, and what it appears to have lost today.)

WE THE PEOPLE of the free and independent United States herby declare our interconnectedness and responsibility for one another. Recognizing that we were originally formed as a political unit to throw off the cruelties of a despotic ruler, we re-commit ourselves to those principles which set us apart from nations whose enrichment of their ruling classes have inflicted undue harm upon their populations from time immemorial.

In light of recent activities and political maneuverings by the moneyed classes of our society, we feel the need to once again state those values we believe are embodied or implied in both our nation’s Constitution and Declaration of Independence, namely that…

  • All citizens are entitled to unhindered access to those essentials necessary in a modern society to foster Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, including a healthy diet, safe and affordable housing, an advanced education, an unbiased political system, freedom from fear or repression, and a government committed to the avoidance of war and the pursuit of peace.
  • To secure such essentials, it is necessary to immediately develop and institute such rules of behavior and political jurisprudence that acknowledge and reestablish the equality of all individuals in our society; those actions to include…

-Removing the power and influence of money from all democratic institutions and political activities, understanding that, far from engendering free speech, the unfettered flow of money only allows moneyed interests to drown out the voices of those with lesser wealth or influence;

– Restoring a fair and equitable tax system that recognizes all individuals benefit equally from systems, protections and services provided by our governing bodies, and that more should be expected from those who, because of circumstance or personal effort have a preponderance of a nation’s wealth, while less should be taken from those who have little enough for themselves;

– Restoring equal justice and punishment to those at all levels of our society, so that those who caused economic chaos and destruction in pursuit of their own selfish outcomes, as well as those who unleashed the dogs of war for no good cause, and those who abused public office for personal gain, are given a fair and impartial trial before the eyes of the world, as a lesson to others and a clear indicator of our commitment to the rule of law, even for the most powerful among us;

– Gradually reducing the country’s dependence on, and enthrallment to, the military industrial complex. Recognizing that, as recently evidenced, weak-minded or short-sighted leaders can make unfortunate military decisions that often result in unnecessary death, destruction and the wasteful expenditure of national wealth. Also recognizing that the maintenance of a large global military footprint not only increases the likelihood of America being drawn into war, but significantly reduces those assets available for keeping commitments to citizens at all levels of the socio-economic ladder.

We offer the above Declaration of Interdependence as a road map for our country to begin returning to its rightful path, to once again become a beacon on a hill to other nations, a paragon of virtue among world powers, driven equally by principle and compassion, and untroubled by the internal strife that rules public debate when blind self-interest and self-righteous bravado hold sway.

So offered for consideration this December, 2019, a time when Americans sorely need to reconnect with the underlying principles of our Democracy.

WHY I JOINED THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. A confession from a former liberal.

Is this my personal crossroads?

(F-BOMB ALERT: The following satiric essay contains multiple F-Bombs. Read at your own discretion!) 

After much deliberation, I am making two historic announcements. First off, I proudly announce I am officially, as of today, renouncing my pie-in-the-sky, do-gooder liberal bias, and applying for membership in the fabled ranks of Republican Americanus. Yes, I am joining the Republican Party. I admit to being a Scrooge-like tightwad. I admit to hating everyone under 45, and everyone with less than a million dollars in their portfolio, and of course toto el mundo who weren’t born in the good old United States of America. 

America is for Americans, we Republicans always say, and you’re not really an American if you’re not smart enough to have earned a small fortune. Doesn’t matter how you earned that fortune, but if you made it by swindling old ladies out of their pensions, so much the better! And if you’re looking for a political party that will help you hold onto every penny of that fortune, even if it means having to dismantle social security and medicare, then look no further. You are a born Republican, as I am, and you’re tired of all those lazy and ignorant sons of bitches, like immigrants and convicts, who won’t get a job and who multiply like sex-starved rabbits living off our wealth and largesse. 

Yes, I, Paul Steven Stone, after years of haranguing the Republicans for starting unnecessary wars, torturing enemy prisoners, ignoring the poor and middle class, representing elite and wealthy interests, stifling our liberties, protecting polluters and bugging our phones, I’ve stopped pretending I think more of others than I do of myself. I now proudly admit that I am #1! It’s all about me! My money (my family, my friends…Did I mention my money?) And nobody takes care of ME and MINE like the Republican Party. Which leads to my second announcement…

Today, as we face unprecedented scandals and political divisions (also termed an “era of great opportunity” by our president), I hereby announce my intention of running for Representative from the 11th Congressional District of Massachusetts. Running, of course, as a Republican. That means, I will take any and all contributions from anyone trying to buy influence with me. It means I will immediately tie my hands as a future lawmaker by signing a pledge that will force me to vote against any measure that might raise tax revenues. Even if America badly needs them!

Just know that I will never disappoint you. I will be your voice, your conscience, and your balls…all in one! As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take. I will say “Fuck you!” to any government program that aids or assists those less fortunate than yourself. Especially any program that cleans up the environment. I will say “Fuck You!” to anyone who thinks our government exists to serve people over corporate interests. Just listen for the echo of every vote I take as your Republican representative, “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!”

And then there’s the biggest “Fuck You!” of all: my vote against impeaching President Trump. Only a Republican could justify voting for someone who willingly, with no thought or conscience, placed our entire democratic system at peril! Just to get the goods on Joe Biden!

Only a Republican would have the balls to tell the entire country that the words they read, and heard over and over—words documenting Trump’s phone call—said exactly the opposite of what people thought they heard or read.

Just think of all the fun I’ll have in Congress as a Republican…!  I’ll get to obfuscate my anti-climate voting record. I’ll get to pretend that dismantling social security will be an improvement to the way things are now. 

As your Republican representative, I will say “Fuck you!” to old people, poor people, immigrants and minorities with every vote I take.

Not only that, I’ll get to spend desperately-needed funds on building a wall, or rebuilding a nuclear arsenal. And even though I possess no scientific understanding or basis of knowledge to refute scientifically-proven-and-accepted realities, I will get to belittle science and fuck the environment with every vote I take. 

How much fun is that!

I will also get to argue against increasing taxes on ridiculously wealthy people; arguing that it would only discourage the creation of jobs.

I love that one! Like a billionaire is going to cut back on making more billions because his government asked him to pay his fair share of taxes! Right! What the hell does taxing wealthy people have to do with creating jobs? Are billionaires holding back on creating new jobs out of spite? If they are, that’s pretty pissy of them!

Enough of this stupidity. Forget all logic, put your own vested interests aside, ignore the fact I will only represent your interests half-heartedly, most of my attention going to the needs of the 1%, and vote for Paul Steven Stone (Republican) as your next Congressman. It’s time to bring back amoral, conscienceless, selfish, right-wing sense to the Massachusetts political landscape. Remember, it’s not what your country can do for its people that counts, it’s what your country can do for YOU. 

Thank you and God Bless The United States of America!

Please, God!

It’s Time To Play “OBFUSCATION!”

Here it is, boys and girls. And just in time for the holidays. “OBFUSCATION!!” The game that takes the art of conversation and turns it into a political cat-and-mouse game.

Whether you play the INQUISITOR or the REPUBLICAN, “OBFUSCATION!” will forever challenge your notion of what it means to tell the truth. Especially when you belong to a political party tasked with selling your collective souls to defend Donald Trump against an impeachment he fully deserves.

INQUISITOR: Okay, to start: At which hotel did Rudy Giuliani and his two Soviet henchmen stay when visiting Kiev?

REPUBLICAN: The Hotel Perfidy, where Joe Biden and his son Hunter always stay…when hiding out in Kiev.

INQUISITOR: How can Donald Trump deny there was a quid pro quo when his own transcript has him shaking down Zelensky on the phone call?

REPUBLICAN: There is no quid pro quo on the phone call. Your eyes, ears, or maybe your political inclinations, betray you. The bribe, if you want to call it that, was never consummated. Zelensky never actually announced the investigations. No quid pro quo when you ain’t got the quo, bro. 


“OBFUSCATION:” A Game For Republicans
In The Era of Trump

INQUISITOR:  We’ve just gone through two weeks of witnesses testifying about Trump and Giuliani’s shadow foreign policy. Do we know yet why that Ukrainian oligarch paid Rudy $500,000?

REPUBLICAN: I believe that was a one-time payment for Rudy helping the oligarch reset his iPhone. 

INQUISITOR: Are you aware that Donald Trump claimed no prior acquaintance with either Lev Parnas or Igor Fruman, Mr. Giuliani’s arrested associates, even though both appear in numerous photographs with Mr. Trump? 

Such as this one at the circumcision, or briss, of Mr. Parnas’ first-born son?

REPUBLICAN: And who is that next to the president in the photo?

INQUISITOR: That’s the blade man himself, the circumciser, who within the tribe is called a moyel.  

REPUBLICAN: No matter; the president takes pictures with thousands of people. Many of whom he does not know. That could be from any of a hundred brisses the president attends in a month.

INQUISITOR: Okee-dokee, have it your way. For the rest of us… It’s time to play, DOUBLE OBFUSCATION! That’s the speed dial version of our game in which the Republican gets lightning-fast questions and no time to think about his response, which must be in the form of a question. Are you ready?

REPUBLICAN: Was that your first question?

INQUISITOR: Ohh, very good. You’re a genuine smart ass, aintcha? And my real first question is: Gordan Sondland?

REPUBLICAN: Which totally inexperienced millionaire diplomat was appointed Ambassador to the European Union, with immediate membership in the legendary Three Amigos of many fanciful Ukraine adventures? 

INQUISITOR: Second question: The amount of military aid Trump withheld from Ukraine?

REPUBLICAN: Aha! Trick question! Ukraine ultimately received its military aid, therefore my answer must be…Which country’s totally withheld military aid equals Zero?

INQUISITOR: If a poll came out showing a majority of Americans favor impeaching and removing the president, what would you say?

REPUBLICAN: Fake news?

INQUISITOR: And if I tell you the president definitely committed an impeachable offense, what would you say?

REPUBLICAN: Impeachable offence? For what? For threatening to withhold critical military supplies to a country at war with Russia? For putting an entire country—and the national security of the United States of America—at risk? For his own personal gain? What’s impeachable about that?

INQUISITOR: And if you saw the president shooting someone on Fifth Avenue, what would you say?

REPUBLICAN: It was an accident. I mean, how could he know the gun was loaded?

THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN LEAF.

Results from one of the largest indivdual scientific studies ever conducted.

NOTE: The following is an excerpt from Paul Steven Stone’s acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Occult Home Sciences.

“Honored Dignitaries and Members of the Swedish Academy:

“Much has been written about the drop pattern of the American Leaf (see Stern’s “Up To My Sternum in Autumn,” Windblown Press, 2003) but prior to my research it was firmly believed Leafus Americanus fell but once a season.

“Today of course, we know each leaf falls not once but on many occasions. Repeatedly, in fact, as I was able to prove. Ironically, it was a casual remark by my lovely lab assistant (who was not yet my wife) that ultimately led the way to my breakthrough discovery. She was lying on the living room couch, if I recall rightly, examining the leaf-raking oval blisters on both her lovely palms. Upon my suggestion that she return to our yard and continue raking leaves, she replied, “You should live so long. I’ll wait till after they refall.”

“Refall?” I said to myself. “Refall?” The word echoed and re-echoed through my mind. “Was it possible?” I asked myself. “Could leaves actually fall more than once?”

“Within minutes I organized a press gang of laboratory assistants (my three children) and together we began the torturous process of gathering and marking all the remaining leaves in our yard with my name. Afterwards, leaving my assistants to dispose of the test specimens in the woods behind our house, I went inside to pursue a parallel investigation I’d been conducting on the National Football League.

“The first returns on our efforts were quite dispiriting. Although a voluminous colony of leaves did reappear on my property, and the trees above remained as starkly bare of their leaves as before, none of the new arrivals bore any of our test markings. Chagrined, I went into the woods and measured the piles of our marked specimens, discovering to my surprise they had diminished quite dramatically in height.

“Here then was a double mystery. Not only could I not account for the new leaves on my lawn, I was at a loss to explain the apparent disappearance of many of my test subjects.

Leafus Americanus

“A week later both mysteries were solved with a single phone call, the first of many I would later receive.

“You Paul Steven Stone?” the caller asked; he appeared to be breathing heavily and short of breath, which produced a most ominous sounding intake and release of air. Assured that I was indeed Paul Steven Stone, he began displaying a limited vocabulary of expletives, most of which he was forced to repeat once or twice in the length of that brief phone call. He ended the call with terse suggestions as to what I might do with all the leaves I had dumped upon his property.

“At last the breakthrough I had been seeking! And it was more startling than I could ever have hoped. For not only had my leaves fallen again, as my wife (or lab assistant, if you wish) suggested they might, but they had actually travelled two and a half miles to do so. Later phone calls confirmed my discovery, also revealing migratory patterns that ranged as far away as six miles from the test site. The threats and foul language I endured from my callers, however, were far more limited in their range, a sad testimony to the failings of our current educational system.

“You’ll be pleased to hear my research continues, and before long I expect to publish preliminary findings that will cause all of us to reassess our beliefs about the sex life of Leafus Americanus.

“All I can say at present is that the little fellow is surprisingly promiscuous.”

TAKE ONE TRUMP DAILY

Astral Lunacy Labs introduces Trump, the heartache accelerant most prescribed by Russian doctors. When taken as a daily dose either through the eyes and ears, or as a suppository, Trump is an effective means to create seismic fissures within America while accelerating its decline into right-wing, conservative dominance.

In a doctor-supervised research study, Trump was proven to quickly absorb all excess government funds—even those not necessarily deemed excess—to be quickly deposited into a Trump-owned bank account. As well as the money normally spent by those government departments put out of business by Rudy Giuliani and his Soviet mafia.

Do not take Trump if you are allergic to loud, insufferable, rich boy bullies. All blacks, Hispanics, and citizens from shithole countries should be especially careful when taking Trump as you will increase your likelihood of abject discrimination, sub-standard government service, forced separation from your children, or even deportation (on a day when Melania isn’t watching).

Stop taking Trump immediately if you find yourself afraid to pick up your daily paper. You may need psychological help if you’ve taken Trump in extra large dosages, or if you work in the State Department, as your head might seriously explode.  

Please note: Trump will no longer be available in Ukraine.