After months of public speculation about Mitt Romney’s future job prospects, the former

St. Mitt

presidential candidate today erased all previous conjecture by declaring, “With the resignation of Pope Benedict, there is a gaping need for someone with the skills of a successful businessman to step in and manage the affairs of both the Vatican and the worldwide Roman Catholic Church. I believe I am that person and today I officially announce my candidacy for the papacy.”

Almost immediately questions were flying as members of the press appeared shocked by Governor Romney’s latest announcement.

“But doesn’t being a Mormon disqualify you from the outset from becoming Pope, or the religious leader of over a billion Catholics worldwide?”

Romney visibly chafed at the question, then responded, “I knew the media would immediately find ways to attack my candidacy. My wife Ann is a former Catholic, and anything I need to know as Pope, she’ll be there to whisper into my ear.”

“Also, I used to have a dog Seamus who was Catholic and very religious. Every time we went on a family trip, Seamus would be up in his carrier praying for our safe arrival. I don’t think you can get more Catholic than that.”

Taking a moment to reflect on the occasion, Romney looked around at the assembled crowd then asked them to bend their heads for a blessing. Next, he chanted “Dominus E Pluribus Unum Fidelis” while physically sending blessings over the silent crowd with his extended right hand.

“Besides, I was never really a Mormon,” he declared, continuing his comments, “I only said I was so I could step in and save the Winter Olympics in Utah. Just like I was never the moderate Republican I said I was so I could win the governorship of Massachusetts. Just like I was never the extreme conservative I said I was so I could win a half hour interview on Rush Limbaugh’s show.

“And forget what it says on my birth certificate!” he continued. “We all know how iffy birth certificates can be. In my heart—which is really what counts, isn’t it?—I’ve always been a Catholic. And I believe in my inner Cardinal’s heart it will take someone like me to turn the Holy Church around.”

When asked about the recent scandals in the church, most particularly the sexual abuse of children by priests and its subsequent cover-ups in archdioceses worldwide, Romney pointed out, “We all know that a majority of priests are hard-working well-meaning servants of the Lord. True, there’s a hard core 47% that will always take advantage of children and lax guidelines to further their own aims, which is why you need someone like me. On my very first day I guarantee all those sicko pederast priests will self-excommunicate.

“Or else I’ll have them sent to Guantanamo where they can sexually abuse terrorists to their hearts content,” he added with his characteristic jokester’s grin.

“Probably more effective than water-boarding,” he added reflectively.

Almost immediately after his remarks, the Governor’s staff handed out souvenir communion wafers with Romney’s emblematic “R” embossed on the top.

Later that day, Eric Fehrnstrom, Governor Romney’s former press secretary, told Fox News, “Of all Governor Romney’s Etch-A-Sketch moments, this one has to be his sketchiest!” He then went on to ridicule and defame the six Roman Catholic Cardinals seen as front-runners in the race for the Papacy.

Clearly, the campaign was off to flying start!