GRAND THEFT WHITE HOUSE

“Let’s Make Them An Offer They Can’t Refuse.”

A Primer For Snatching Victory From The Jaws Of Defeat

Hello, Mr. President:

This primer was left for you by Roy Cohn, your mentor and early life consigliore who, almost single-handily, was responsible for America’s internal chaos and self-destruction under McCarthyism. 

Trump and mentor

Mr. Cohn, in his immortal wisdom, has left you six rules to follow as you pursue success in life, or when you attempt to win—even after losing!—a second term as President of the United States.

Rule Number 1 has three parts: Cheat, Cheat and Cheat Yet Again. Not just cheating your opponents, Roy advises, but friends, family, employees, vendors and virtually anyone dumb enough to trust you or take what you say on faith. 

If you are pursuing a billionaire’s career in real estate, always cheat on the square footage you are selling or buying. If selling, add a 10% increase to the square footage. If buying, protest that you’re being cheated by a 10% overcharge on the footage. Either way no one will usually bother to check. 

Rule number 1 applies in any field you can think of. But if you’re attempting to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in a political race, your prescribed behavior is almost childishly obvious. For example, if you are losing the race, steal ballots, falsify results, and blame your opponent for every crime you can think of. If you can’t rig the outcome in your favor, accuse your opponent of doing exactly that. When you are desperate, as the saying goes, sink to desperate levels. For example, you can claim your opponent’s son is a crook, or that your opponent is a pedophile. In that latter situation, you should have photographs doctored so he’s shown hanging around schoolyards with his hands in his pockets. Remember, you have to be creative, and you must never stop accusing your opponent of any shit you can fling that will stick to the wall.

It’s worth noting that nothing works better or more efficiently than a shower of lawsuits, especially when your opponent hasn’t enough time to respond to one before the next one is launched. 

In order to deal with the aftermath of Rule Number 1, you must then employ Rule Number 2, which is simply Lie, Lie, And Lie Again. 

As you can easily see, Rule Number 2 works hand in glove with Rule Number 1. When anyone accuses you of cheating, immediately accuse them of slander. And even if they have proof of your cheating, double down on your denials and once again accuse them of exactly what you were caught doing. Then, of course, threaten to sue.

Next is a ruIe Roy rarely shared in public. He called it his “Ace In The Hole” rule, which is better known here at Game Central as the “Finger In Your Eye” Rule. Quite simply, when anyone seems to be getting the best of you in a deal, political race, negotiation, card game or even a sexual assault accusation, go immediately to Rule Number 3— When In Doubt, Sow Confusion. If it’s a card game, overturn the table and accuse your adversaries of cheating. If it’s a political contest, start pounding the table, shouting out false accusations, and do your best to tear the political environment to shreds. Remember “When you don’t know what to do, Sow Confusion” and you’ll do all right.

Rule Number 4 is a two-parter, as well as an outgrowth of Rules Number One and Two. Never Admit To Your Crime and Never, Never, Never Apologize. If they catch you with your hand in the cookie jar, admit to nothing except conducting a cookie jar inventory. If you have cookie crumbs around your mouth, insist you are being framed. If they catch you actually chewing cookies, deny it adamantly and try not to spit crumbs into anyone’s face as you do.

Rule Number 5 only makes sense when you’re in a position of power or higher leverage; a position not unlike the presidency. Simply put, Rule Number Five requires you to Scare The Living Shit Out Of Your Opponent. And for this exercise, assume everyone in the world is your opponent. Scaring The Living Shit Our Of Your Opponent requires you to throw tantrums, physically intimidate lowly employees, threaten to use force—even nuclear weapons, if you have to—and fire anyone who resists your orders or calls out your bad behavior. 

Roy’s last rule is built on the assumption you are ready to employ Rules Number One through Five. Put in its simplest, raw terminology, Rule Number 6 insists that you Take Whatever You Want. If you want something bad enough, be it real estate, a romantic partner or the presidency of the United States, once you find it isn’t nailed down, locked up or beyond your grasp, take it, and take it for keeps.

And so you have Roy Cohn’s Six Rules For Success. Six rules for winning Grand Theft White House and overcoming any challenge you might face in life, even beating a political opponent who actually accumulates more votes than you. 

If you have any questions, consult with William Barr or Whitey Bulger.

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