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UPDATES FROM THE MAR-A-LAGO DAILY MENU (breaking update for Jack Smith, DOJ Special Counsel)

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With sincere regrets, owing to supply chain shortages, we can no longer serve the following:

THE DON’S STOOL PIGEON MARINARA (only available for takeout or storage in our lower-than-low High Security facility in the Mar-A-Lago basement)

Once considered the closest thing to unidentifiable poison, and the ideal retribution for Liz Cheney and other Trump-hating Witch Hunters, STOOL PIGEON MARINARA’s original recipe was developed by Roy Cohn and is the perfect remedy for today’s Special Counsels and Congressional committees. Stool Pigeon Marinara combines three essential ingredients guaranteed to eliminate unwanted witnesses and prosecutors: Dirty Rats’ tails, essence of stool pigeon tongue and Steaming Fresh Donald Trump Bullshit (one pile per bowl). Each purchase comes with a Get Out Of Jail Free card signed by William Barr, former Trump Administration Attorney Geneeral/consigliore.

MAMA TRUMP’S NUCLEAR STEW

A longtime favorite of our foreign visitors, Mama Trump’s Nuclear Stew has been permanently placed among the items removed per order of the U.S. Government. Once served with a choice of three spicy varieties: Top Secret, Forbidden Fruits and Insanely Dangerous with Nuts, this favorite dish of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un, will happily reappear on the Mar-A-Lago menu once the Trump family returns to occupy the White House. 

HUNTER BIDEN BULLSHIT ON TOAST

Imagine our surprise to discover we had run out of the essential ingredients for this Trump family favorite, once the mainstay of our domestic menu. Again, like Mama Trump’s Nuclear Stew, Hunter Biden Bullshit on Toast requires ingredients no longer available once the United States Government interfered with supply line deliveries from Ukraine and China. 

THE RUDY GIULIANI SANDWICH

A delectable menu item once thought to render large rooms of legislators and reporters speechless after even the smallest bite. Made from thick slices of forked tongue covered with melted stinky cheese, and streaked with Rudy’s special Four Seasons Sauce, the Rudy Giuliani is expected to return to our menu whenever Rudy’s prison sentence can be set aside in a future Trump Administration.

Again, we apologize for the removal of these once highly popular and profitable menu items. Their removal is further proof, if you need it, that the FBI is running amok over our freedoms and that Joe Biden is a dribbling old man who craps his pants whenever called upon to act decisively. VOTE REPUBLICAN AND VOTE TWICE. That’s the only way we can MAKE AMERICA CRAZY AGAIN.



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PublishAugust 14, 2022 6:36 pm UTC+0

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The Roommate Who Came To Stay

He was much smaller when he moved in!

I don’t recall that we were looking for a roommate. It all just seemed to happen, like one of those sequence of events you can’t comprehend until you’re lying in a hospital somewhere thinking it all through.

At first he seemed like an angel. Quiet, undemanding, always good natured and rarely raising his voice. Most times you weren’t even aware of his presence in the house. Slowly, however, he began to change, began to show his true personality. By then it was too late to do anything about it.

To anyone studying metamorphoses this would be a classic case. He went from being a silent presence to being always present and never silent. His sweet disposition evolved into a mercurial humor that at any moment could start spitting lightning and smoke. Gone was the good companion and in his place we found the monster who had come to stay. We had been given a promise and left with a brooding presence. Let me now describe this creature who inhabits our house.

He’s rude to a fault.

Sometimes he ignores you, other times he merely frowns at what you say. Offer him something to eat and he’ll tell you he doesn’t like what you have. If he ever gives a thought to your feelings it’s only to consider if you’re angry at him and the impact that could have on him getting what he wants.

And tell him he can’t have what he wants; just see what that brings up! You’ll watch him dissolve like Alka Seltzer into a frothful rage. Doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing.

“I’m sorry, you can’t have that,” you tell him, trying to sound both gentle and firm.

He’ll have none of it and immediately begin banging his soup spoon against the table top.

“Stop doing that,” you warn, trying to maintain an air of gentle resolve.

He starts rocking his chair back and forth, the rage mounting with each noisy shift.

“Don’t shake your chair,” you whisper angrily. Suddenly, all other weapons momentarily engaged, he starts to cry. Instantly fifty pair of eyes in the restaurant turn to stare at your table with thinly-veiled hostility.

Rarely does he start his day in a mood for conversation. Tell him “Good morning” and he tells you not to say that. Ask him how he slept and he tells you to go away. He’s not the living partner you would ever choose from even the most limited selections of prospective roommates and paroled convicts. He never brushes his teeth or puts away dirty clothes, invariably tracks mud and damp leaves across freshly vacuumed carpets.

He’s Godzilla The Roommate and through some odd working of fate he’s come to live with you.

All this outlandish behavior naturally has an impact on the normal processes of life. You have to think twice before cutting his grilled cheese sandwich. A wrong cut—say a diagonal instead of a square—could easily throw him into a fit of despair. Milk poured into the wrong cup could lead to accusations, mistrust ,even violence. You have no wish to be selfish but under fear of his dangerously nonchalant attitude, you hide your precious belongings—your expensive cologne, your wallet, your family photo albums, even your shoes.

Soon you realize he’s taken over your life. There’s never a thought to anyone’s needs but his own. He wants to watch TV and it’s usually something that bores you to tears. He wants ice cream for dessert, sometimes with chocolate sauce, sometimes not— he’ll only tell you after you’ve mistakenly chosen the wrong option. He wants roller skates. He wants a story read. He wants to be alone with your wife. He wants. He wants. HE WANTS.

Finally, almost as therapy, you start imagining what life would be like without him. You picture him grown up, maybe at college, maybe married, maybe even with one or two little Godzillas of his own. You imagine the house without the piercing cry of an angry petulant three-year-old monster—without the scattered toys, the army of stuffed animals, the marbles you always step on in your bare feet, the bookshelves filled with Golden Books, the nightlights, the pajamas with feet, the red rubber boots dripping dark wetness on the kitchen floor—you see all the trappings and emotional furor suddenly gone from your house, swept like magic from the days of your life.

And sentimental fool that you are, you begin to feel sad and lonely.

He’s Godzilla the roommate and, God willing, he’s yours for the next 20 years.

IS THE GOP A DOMESTIC TERRORIST ORGANIZATION?

Still scary, still a threat!

      Have you ever wondered why the United States, among all other leading industrialized nations, has never been able to progress beyond the fears and divisions that have paralyzed its political body and hindered social progress for decades…?

      Are you wondering today why we are once again struggling to protect a woman’s right to personal privacy and self-made choices about her body? Or perhaps you’re asking who it is that repeatedly stymies every sensible effort to protect our children from armed gunmen with military-style weapons? Or maybe you’re wondering how come racism, white supremacy and policies stitched from hate, lies and fears have become acceptable political discourse? 

      And lastly, if you are like me, you find yourself in a state of shock and disbelief that an American politician attempted a coup d’etat to overthrow the duly elected government of the United States. Not only did he send an armed and bloodthirsty crowd to the capitol to kill or harm our elected legislators, but his co-conspirators and enablers now stand before us and blithely lie about what happened on that fateful day. Sensing a handle by which they can gain or hold onto power, they distort, minimize or defend an act that tears at the fabric of our constitution, all the while cloaking themselves in the protective aura of our flag and the protected speech of an American political party. A party that once stood for America’s principles, but now embodies the disgrace and stain of treason.

      Is it time to wake up to the fact that today’s Republican Party, faced with declining demographics and a bleak future, has turned to the politics of hate, fear and division to stay in power. No longer is it enough to gerrymander voting maps, or repress minority voters, to maintain their position of prominence. Now they must reject the result of fair elections and prepare to steal votes themselves.

Is it time to face up to the impact of a party that, like the Nazis in 1930’s Germany, poses a monumental threat to the continued peace, prosperity and harmony of its homeland?

Perhaps, it is time to ask whether it is time to declare the Republican Party a domestic terrorism organization. 

And to treat it like the threat it has become.

An existential threat.

THREE BURNING REASONS NOT TO VOTE REPUBLICAN (in State or National Elections)

Genus Republicana: known to lie, incite insurrections and vote against women’s rights.
  1. THEY LIE: The lies did not begin with Trump, they merely achieved a new level of acceptability and urgency under the leadership of the Republican’s Liar-in-Chief. Vote for any Republican who tells you the 2020 election was stolen and you are voting for a LIAR. What your mother told you was true: YOU CANNOT TRUST A LIAR.
  2. THEY WILL OUTLAW ABORTIONS. Have no doubt, if Republicans win a majority in Congress they will outlaw abortions. Even if your favorite Republican would never vote to abolish abortions, he or she would never have the strength or power to fight the majority. That’s why the GOP was able to pack the Supreme Court with unqualified anti-abortion zealots.
  3. THEY WILL DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY. If Republicans win a majority in Congress, they will whitewash America’s first coup d’etat under Donald Trump, and set up rules to ensure continued Republican majorities. If Republicans win majorities in states, they will continue to enact laws that restrict voting access and disenfranchise minorities and students. 

In case you haven’t noticed, today’s Republican party, with notable exceptions, is not the political party your parents once voted for. That was a party of financial vigilance, extreme patriotism and a dedication to law and order. By deifying Donald Trump, cloaking themselves in the American flag and espousing a distorted view of the American Constitution, today’s Republicans pervert the very principles they once pursued. For these Republicans, Law and Order matters up until the moment Capital police officers stand in their way. Patriotism matters up until the moment a disgraced ex-president sends them to attack the seat of their government. And any pretense of financial vigilance went out the window with Trump’s tax bill, which mostly benefitted the wealthy and ignored those most needy in our American enterprise.  

There are countless reasons why you should not vote Republican in the next election, or any following election, until this nest of liars, sycophants and lawbreakers is broken up and true Republicans return to take back their party. 

One only hopes our democracy can survive until that time.

THE CORONATION OF DONALD J. TRUMP

The King of Buffoons

THERE ARE STRANGE DEEDS RECORDED

About the men who toil For Gold

In the halls of Washington D.C.

Where honor is twice daily sold;

But the strangest sight I ever did see

Was the day folks stormed the house of liberty

To resurrect the man voters had dumped

And to crown the head of Donald J. Trump

NOW, DONALD J. TRUMP

Hailed from New York City,

Where the buildings they say 

Grow tall and quite pretty

Why he left the Big Apple, 

No one could say 

‘Cept he needed more suckers, 

And more games to play.

So he dialed up the Russians, 

And the boss they called Vlad,

And he promised his soul 

For any dirt on Hillary they had.

ON A COLD DAY IN HELL,

Or maybe it was in January

Donald J. Trump was sworn in

And handed the US presidency. 

His first words were lies, 

With the bIble under his hand,

He swore to protect the Constitution 

And the laws of this great land.

He never mentioned the exception 

That was echoing in his mind:

“Unless it serves my interests, 

Then I’ll pay them no more mind.”

THAT WAS THE FIRST OF MANY LIES

Donald J. Trump told on a daily basis

Never mattering to him at all 

If facts were true or totally baseless

He recruited Fox News

Home of soulless media hacks

To echo his falsehoods daily

And cover over his criminal tracks

No matter what lies he told or what

Their immediate impacts might be

Murdoch and sons would parrot them 

And claim real news legitimacy.

IN THE END, NOW, WHO CAN SAY

Whose interests were better served

By Donald J. Trump’s desecration 

of the U.S. presidency?

Never has one president

So bankrupted treasury and soul

Turning neighbor against neighbor,

Forcing allies to depart the fold.

Was this the payment Vlad required

To help Donald J. Trump win his race?

Is this why American excellence 

Briefly expired without a trace?

IN ONE SHORT TERM

What accomplishments 

behind him he had trailed!

A packed Supreme Court, two impeachments and hundreds of insurrectionists jailed.

An empty treasury, one failed insurrection

And a lifetime of litigation

For the DOJ’s retrospection.

His was the first American Coup

But maybe not the last

It depends on whether his run is through

Or whether his grift runs out of gas.

YES, STRANGE DEEDS ARE RECORDED

About the men who toil For Gold

In the halls of Washington D.C.

Where honor is twice daily sold;

But the strangest deed that was never to be

Was the crowning of the Man Who Lives in Infamy

Down through the ages his story will be known,

Treachery will be his legacy, 

And treason his thorny crown.