Vatican City—The Catholic Church, ratcheting up its attack on President Obama, under the guise of fighting for “Religious Liberty”, today announced its newest doctrine on the sanctity of human life. Declaring that human life no long begins at the moment of conception, as has been promulgated for decades, but rather at the moment of ‘inspiration’ or ‘the first tingle’, the church declared war on a long litany of activities, books, cocktails and popular entertainers it considered unduly stimulating to humankind’s baser instincts. In essence, the church was reasserting its god-given authority over the Obama administration and anyone else who would curtail the church’s right to define morality and appropriate sexual behavior for Americans
“We’ve taken the act of creation—truly an act of God—to its primal stage, the exact moment the idea of fornication first rises in the mind of a man or a woman,” said, Bernard Cardinal Law, the church’s newly appointed Cardinal of Rectitude and Moral Sincerity, as the Vatican released a three-mile-long list of films, books and popular songs it considered “life-creating trash”. Under threat of excommunication, those prurient materials have been decreed officially off bounds for millions of Roman Catholic devotees around the globe because, as Cardinal Law explained, “they invariably lead to genital stimulation, which is a clear sign that an individual has been divinely inspired to create life.”
Some of the more surprising entries on the church’s list include Anne of Green Gables, Lassie Come Home, I Love Lucy and The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire. When asked specifically why Anne of Green Gables was banned and Portnoy’s Complaint wasn’t, Cardinal Law reminded his interviewer that redheaded women were often regarded as objects of desire for their hair color alone, while masturbation or self-abuse was considered by the fathers of the church to be the last acceptable “spilling of the Lord’s seed.”
When asked how the church could possibly enforce such a wide-ranging ban on what were previously thought to be acceptable forms of interaction and mental stimulation, Cardinal Law promised there would be a priest in every bar, every rave, every singles dance, every whorehouse and every bedroom in the Christian world.
Within minutes of the church’s announcement, three of the four politicians vying for the Republican presidential nomination hailed the church’s newest doctrine for its potential to create thousands of new jobs for priests and censors.
Mitt Romney, avowed-but-shaky Republican front runner, questioned, “Why can’t President Obama come up with a jobs bill even half as creative as this.” Adding with an impish smile, “Or should I say pro-creative!”