Me And The Boys were sitting around the Capital talking about you girls. Finding out why you had to have such special treatment when it came to rape and birth control. Just thought I’d tell you some of what we decided, so you hear it from me and not just read about it in the newspapers.
First off, we took a look at a newly-proposed law in Virginia. The one where a raped woman would have to undergo an invasive, rape-like ultra-sound procedure before she could have an abortion…? Know the one I mean?
Well, Me And The Boys had us a good laugh about that one. A real three alarm guffaw!
Me And The Boys—and all the men we interviewed for our committee—think the Virginia law might actually encourage lewd behavior amongst the more adventurous of you licentious ladies. What a laugh to think how that medical probe could prove a real attraction!
Y’see, Me And The Boys know all about you ladies! Know what’s best for you, too.
Good thing you have a congressional committee to watch over your reproductive rights, a committee mostly made up of Me And The Boys, to tell you what to do with your bodies and the best ways to stay healthy. Otherwise, just imagine all the foolishness you might get into.
FYI: During his testimony, his Eminence Bernard Cardinal Lawness, spoke praisingly of the Rhythm Method and promised to host “Rhythm Parties” if there were enough interested Catholic boys. Something you might keep in mind.
This aint easy to say, but Me And The Boys think that things would be a whole lot better if you didn’t let yourself get raped, if you know what I mean. Then you wouldn’t need to get grilled, groped and digitally penetrated by the blue meanies. Nor have to worry about them videotaping the whole thing, then laughing when they play the video at department meetings.
We don’t wish to tell you what to do with your bodies, ladies, we just want to tell you what NOT to do. Me And The Boys never wear condoms when we lay down our pecker tracks, so why should you girls use anything? Learning about contraception, or how to make good decisions for your life, if it comes to that, isn’t a God-given right. Who says your health plan has to help you stay healthy if you work for a church affiliated institution?
And last thing—Me And The Boys like it when you ladies—especially you curvaceous beauties—wear your blouses half unbuttoned at committee hearings! And a suggestion, if you don’t think it too crude…did you ever see that movie with the Sharon Stone interrogation scene…?