Washington, D.C. Who said America’s favorite BFF (Billionaire flip-flopper) was washed up; through with politics?
Having resolutely declared his exodus from American politics (“No, no, no, no, no, no…!”), Mitt Romney appeared to once again dip his toe in Republican Presidential waters. Ultimately finding the temperature too cold, especially with Jeb Bush putting a lip-lock on the party’s biggest donors, The Mittster yet again shocked the political world by declaring his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.
“Yes, you heard that correctly,” Romney declared while the crowd of reporters erupted into an unruly chorus of shouted questions. “The Democratic nomination!” he repeated, with a deep-throated hyena laugh, then turned to his wife Anne for reassurance that this was, in fact, today’s political stance.
This was a morning few political junkies will ever forget, Mitt Romney stepping out of the closet and declaring himself a “full-blooded and full-throated Democrat.” No sooner had he pulled his hat out of the ring in the Republican race for the presidency, than he was signing up to challenge Hillary Clinton for the nomination of his newly-adopted political party.
“I’ve always been more progressive and more of a Democrat than Hillary,” Romney declared. “Heck, I was more progressive than President Obama, for Heaven’s sakes! Remember, RomneyCare came first, ObamaCare came second.”
Romney went on to explain, “I’ve always been a Democrat at heart, no matter what I may have said at stuffy Republican fundraisers. We Democrats take care of the poor and the middle class. And the seniors! Don’t forget the seniors! As a Democratic President, I won’t let Republicans cut or kill Social Security, that was all Paul Ryan’s agenda, not mine. On my watch, nobody falls between the cracks. Gosh, first thing I’ll propose as president is an increase in taxes for the wealthy. Who knows better than me, how much more the 1% can afford to pay. You’d be shocked how much money’s left sitting on the table.
When asked how he could just walk away from conservative positions he’s been avowing for years, Romney smiled sheepishly, asking “Why not, they were pretty stupid positions, weren’t they? All the time I was pretending to hate poor people, threatening to nuke the Middle East, and working to demolish the middle class, I was really chafing at the bit to declare my love for my fellow man. When I promised to dismantle Obamacare on my first day as President I was not in my right mind, sharing a stage at the time with Rick Perry, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Besides that’s old business. This is the new Romney. And this Romney can’t wait to debate Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and others of my fellow Democrats.”
When reporters questioned more recent Romney comments condemning President Obama’s performance, the former Massachusetts governor appeared rattled. “Well, what would you expect?” he shot back, “The man took four whole years to turn around an economy that was sacked, gang-banged and left for dead by the Bush administration. What the hell was he doing all that time, playing basketball? Nor does it matter that he rescued the American automobile industry. Anybody in his place would have done the same thing. Hell, if you thought I was heartless in strapping old Seamus to the top of our family wagon, how does that compare to Obama walking away from Health Care Reform without putting a public option in place? Everyone knows the insurance industry will make hash of any real financial reforms without the presence of a public option.”
Speaking about the danger of once again being called a flip-flopper for jumping political parties, especially at a time when Jeb Bush’s fortunes were rapidly rising in his former party, Romney declared, “What if I promise voters this is the last time? Today—and forever—Mitt Romney truly believes women have a right to make decisions about their bodies. That humans are the cause of Global Warming. That Darwin was a scientist and not the anti-Christ. Yes, and the new Mitt Romney believes America lost its way when we attacked Iraq without a clear reason, or when we tortured prisoners and called it ‘enhanced interrogation.
“And lastly,” Romney continued with a sheepish grin, “I have to admit that corporations really aren’t…well, you know…people. Definitely not people! That sounded so lame not even Fox News reporters could repeat it without breaking into laughter.
“So in summation,” Romney concluded, “I hope Democratic primary voters will forgive my shifting affiliations and contradictory positions. As Emerson once said, ‘A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.’ And, please, remember, I may have dated Conservatives and Tea Partiers, but I never actually slept with them.”
“No, no, no, no, no, no…!”
I hope my readers and, of course, Mitt Romney himself will forgive me if once again I return to the bottomless well of Mitt’s presidential ambitions to fish out an easy laugh or two. In all honesty, I felt the need to hear the sound of laughter instead of snow plows and apparently did not have enough character or willpower to resist.