Expect Delays!, MA (formerly Cambridge, MA): In a surprise move for which there is no historical precedent, and therefore no protocol for approval of such a measure, the Cambridge City Council voted in executive session to change the city’s name from Cambridge to Expect Delays! The vote was approved overwhelmingly in a conference call attended by all nine councilors. The unusual telephonic executive session was held because seven of the council’s nine sitting members had been tied up in traffic on city streets, four of them literally for days.

“I think I was hypnotized,” City Councilor Minka vanBeuzekom said, explaining why she proposed the name change. “I was sitting in my car on Western Avenue for three days stuck in traffic and staring at an electronic sign that kept flashing Construction Ahead followed by Expect Delays!”

Other members of the City Council were stuck on other roadways staring at signs that also warned Expect Delays! and apparently lashed out in anger and frustration.

Craig Kelley, the only council member who rides a bicycle to council meetings, was also the only dissenting vote. “Don’t get me wrong,” he explained, “I believe Expect Delays! is a suitable name for a highly congested city that’s about to approve widescale upzoning that will bring in thousands of additional cars and commuter trips. I just need more time to think about it.”

Two other unusual council votes were recorded in the unprecedented executive session: first, that a new city hall would be built and quartered in the Alewife section of the city, in keeping with the attitude of acceptance and surrender so neatly embodied in the name Expect Delays! And, in a surprise informal vote, councilors indicated that Susan Clippinger, longtime director of the city’s Traffic, Parking and Transportation Department, should be appointed City Manager once the current city manager’s contract runs out, or once she is able to reach Alewife by car, whichever comes first. None of the councilors would comment whether this was a reward or punishment for services rendered.

New road signs welcoming travelers to Expect Delays! were ordered for all major thoroughfares entering the city. Unfortunately they are being delivered by truck so no one can estimate how soon they’ll arrive.

Assuming they ever get here.