Author Archives: Paul Steven Stone

THE LEGEND OF SWAMP CREATURE

Folks in these parts recall how this damn nasty swamp you see in front of you was once a modern Capital City, name of Washington, D.C. Then, of course, as the legend goes, Swamp Creature moved into the environs and, quick as a jumping frog on a hot stove, started draining the swamp, as he repeatedly promised, to get himself elected President of These United States.

Capital City Before Swamp Creature

‘Course Swamp Creature never exactly mentioned which swamp he’d be draining and to where he’d be releasing the stinking, toxic swamp effluence. As it later turned out, he was talking about draining the swamp filled from his business dealings back in New York City, which contained all the swampy murkiness of Swamp Creature’s previous questionable dealings; like his improper bank loans, his serial bankruptcies; his bogus charity; his questionable real estate transactions; his unprovoked acts of sexual aggression. And, of course, his falsified tax filings and other mob-like shenanigans. 

Capital City After Swamp Creature

Truth is, when you drain one swamp, reason dictates, somewhere there’s a swamp getting swampier from the draining. In this case, the locale of that swampier swamp was that aforesaid Capital City mentioned above. 

But anyone who believes bringing in Swamp Creature to drain a swamp will result in anything ‘cept more swampiness deserves to spend two hours at lunch with Mitch McConnell. You remember Mitch, if only from remembering the one kid in grade school you wanted to punch in the face; the kid you could always count on to snitch on everyone else in class. Mitch was only one of the many swamp denizens enlisted by Swamp Creature to do his bidding and to help transform Capital City into a nightmarish City of Swamp. 

Transmogrified Republicans For The Rule of Trump

Nobody, least of all the citizens of Capital City, expected Swamp Creature to so quickly transmogrify normal, rule-of-law Republicans like Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham into soulless, lying and cheating, ass-kissing Swamp Creature sycophants. But he did, and without raising a sweat.

Swamp Creature’s Illegitimate Offspring

Swamp Creature’s other top henchmen included Billy “The Kid” Barr, enlisted to shoot up and tear down the once proud Department of Justice; Mike Pence, particularly effective as “The Smiling Stooge” who immediately gave Swamp Creature the patina of Republican respectability he needed after his Russian-assisted election victory. And then there was Mike “The Ass Kisser” Pompeo who would sacrifice his own children, as well as the entire Department of State, on the altar of Swamp Creature’s thirst for a second elected term. 

Back for a second term

A second elected term, legend has it, in which Swamp Creature could finish draining the United States Treasury to pay for all his Florida golf expeditions. And to complete the job of desecrating all the familiar landmarks and traditions that once made the Capital City a beacon on a hill for the planet’s meek, humble and poor.

And, as legend declares, a second term to finish the task Vladimir Putin had set for him before his first term…the destruction of American democracy and America’s network of Western allies who once, in the time before Swamp Creature moved to Capital City, stood together like a solid wall as a bulwark against Russian aggression. 

Swamp Creature loves walls.  

But not that one.

TRUMP SHOOTS FIFTH AVENUE PEDESTRIAN, REPUBLICANS INSIST “NO CRIME COMMITTED!” (SATIRE REDUX!)

Leave a reply

(updated from an earlier essay to reflect the shameless and cowardly behavior at Trump’s senate trial)

In a bizarre twist on the politics and unpredictability of the Trump Impeachment imbroglio, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, yesterday shot and killed a homeless man as he was crossing Fifth Avenue in New York City.

When asked why he chose to shoot a total stranger, President Trump explained, “I was working on reducing homelessness in America. No crime, no collusion, it was a perfect shot.” Trump went on to explain, “Being more brilliant and observant than any previous president, I noticed Fox’s Nielsen ratings were starting to sag after my acquittal in the United States Senate. As the star of the impeachment drama, and a member of the Screen Actors Guild, I was obligated and uniquely qualified to boost Fox’s TV ratings whenever and howsoever necessary. I figured the shooting was good for a 30% viewer spike.”

“You want some of this?”

“According to the 2nd amendment of the Constitution,” Trump continued, “the President cannot be tried for crimes committed in office, not that reducing homelessness is a crime. I just sincerely hope the fellow I shot was a Democrat,” he added, the sound of Trump family laughter rising up in the background.

With the congressional impeachment saga now behind him, Trump’s latest criminal “outrage”—as the Democrats define it—is just one more minor obstacle on the rocky road Republican senators must travel in these days of a wild and wooly Trump presidency. A road on which they must travel blind, wearing blinders in some cases, in order not to see (or judge) the president’s myriad crimes and transgressions.

Is this Lindsey Graham’s “Nothing burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce?”

Trump’s erstwhile congressional defenders were the first to reject the notion that the shooting would have any impact on the President’s ability to play golf, hold political rallies, manage his investments or run the Department of Justice, all highest priorities for our 45th president. Senator Lindsey Graham rejected the idea of Trump’s criminal liability for the shooting, calling it “A nothing-burger with cheese, bacon bits and special sauce,” while Republican House defenders Jim Jordan and Doug Collins refused to accept that a crime had been committed. “How could the President know the gun was loaded?” Jordan asked. “And where was Hunter Biden at the time of the shooting?” 

Republican Senators are expected to ignore all of President Trump’s crimes and misdemeanors in an effort to remain fair and impartial should he once again face impeachment or any other attempted restraint on his self-bestowed freedom to do whatever the hell he wants.

“P.S. I Fucked You!”

(The following is my idea of a never-delivered Donald Trump commencement speech at Trump University)

“Dear Graduates of Trump University,

“Today is a proud day for all of you. I offer my congratulations and best wishes, along with a treasure trove of advice that should put you one step ahead of the competition—and the law—as you pursue your journey towards untold wealth and public admiration.

“Most of what I am about to say was taught to me by my mentor, Roy Cohn, a man of prodigious talent and wisdom who was almost single-handedly responsible for America’s  internecine chaos under McCarthyism. 

“Roy always told me there were five essential rules to success, no matter what endeavor you take on. As the cherry on your cupcake here at Trump University, I am about to reveal Roy’s five essential rules for success.

Rule Number One has three parts: Cheat, Cheat and Cheat Yet Again. Not just cheating your adversaries, Roy advised me, but friends, family, employees, vendors and virtually anyone dumb enough to trust you or take what you say on faith.

“If you are pursuing a billionaire’s career in real estate, like we train you for at Trump University, always cheat on the square footage you are selling or buying. If selling, add a 10% increase to the square footage. If buying, protest that you’re being cheated by a 10% overcharge on the footage. Either way, it’s unlikely anyone will bother to check. 

Rule number One applies in any field you can think of. In politics, for example, if you’re running for office, steal ballots, falsify results, and blame your opponent for every crime you can think of. When you’re desperate, claim he’s a pedophile, then doctor photographs so he’s shown hanging around schoolyards with his hands in his pockets. 


DJT and his Trump U. cheerleaders

“Basically you have to use your imagination. One of my favorite cheats was to build my Trump towers two stories higher than the building permits would allow. Most times nobody checks on that sort of thing, but when they did I pleaded ignorance and threatened to sue them if they bothered me any further. If they still persisted, I would grudgingly agree, express my regrets, then reduce the building by a single storey.

“It’s worth noting that nothing works better or more efficiently than the threat of a lawsuit, especially from someone with enough wealth to drain all one’s savings in lawyer’s fees.

In order to deal with the aftermath of Rule Number One, you must then employ Rule Number Two, which is simply Lie, Lie, And Lie Again. 

“As you can easily see, Rule Number Two works hand in glove with Rule Number One. When anyone accuses you of cheating, immediately accuse them of slander. And even if they have proof of your cheating, double down on your denials and once again threaten to sue.

Rule Number Three is a two-parter, as well as an outgrowth of Rules Number One and Number Two: Never Admit To Your Crime and Never, Never, Never Apologize. If they catch you with your hand in the cookie jar, admit to nothing except perhaps conducting a cookie jar inventory. If you have cookie crumbs around your mouth, insist you are being framed. If they catch you actually chewing cookies, deny it adamantly and try not to spit crumbs into anyone’s face as you do it.

Rule Number Four only makes sense when you’re in a position of power or higher leverage. Put simply, Rule Number Four requires you to Scare The Living Shit Out Of Your Adversaries. And for this exercise, assume everyone in the world is an adversary. It’s a simple fact that the more successful you become the more adversaries you will accumulate. Scaring The Living Shit Out Of Your Adversaries requires you to throw tantrums, physically intimidate lowly employees, sue people at the drop of a hat and fire anyone who resists your orders or calls out your bad behavior. And, as a last resort, use force or the threat of force to coerce your adversary so he understands your absolute rights in any situation. 

E. Jean Caroll was allegedly “taken” in a Bergdorf-Goodman changing room.

“Roy’s last rule is built on the assumption you are ready to employ Rules Number One through Four. Put in its simplest terms, Rule Number Five insists that you Take Whatever You Want. If you want something bad enough, be it real estate, a romantic partner or a business deal, once you find that it isn’t nailed down, locked up or beyond your grasp, take it, and take it for keeps.

“And so you have my—and Roy Cohn’s—Five Rules For Success. As with most of what you’ve been offered at Trump University there is no charge for the offering, only an enormous service fee to cover my expenses and any class action suits that may arise from your involvement with Trump University.

“As my final words, I close with a postscript usually included at the bottom of most of my subpoenas, legal filings, excessive invoices and letters to adversaries. Please take it as a sign of my respect and appreciation for all you’ve donated during your attendance at Trump University.

“P.S. I fucked you!”

TO YOU WHO FEAR THE FUTURE.

Take a deep breath and look around. 

The world is still spinning, birds still chirping, the air still circulating and feeding your lungs. There is nothing in the present moment that will hurt you or harm your future. 

Unless you choose to make it so.

In the present moment you are safe and free from harm. All your fears are mere speculation about the future. Wisps of movie plots summoned by a mind too familiar with history’s darkest moments. Insights shabbily based on worst case scenarios.

No matter what you fear will happen, the future will make its own decisions. Fate has never been based on projections that arise from one’s own insecurities. 

Currently our chief scary thing

That is not to say bad things will not be coming at you, or that your insights into human nature will prove false. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. Bad people will inevitably do bad things. Greed and selfishness will undoubtedly breed bad behavior. Much of it, if tackled before it grows unmanageable, can be avoided or lessened. But the future will come whether you wish it to or not.

If it helps, keep in mind that we are not living in a time of exceptional or unprecedented danger. Other Americans have faced larger challenges and unimaginable threats. We do not face annihilation of our race or way of life, as did the innocent and woefully outnumbered native Americans. Nor are we—present invective aside— poised on the brink of a devastating civil war. So, yes, the Union still stands. Albeit a little more shakily after the events of last week in Washington.

You would do well to live in the present moment, as much as you can. It is only there that the concerns about the future can be met with appropriate action and words. Whether it be joining a political campaign, writing letters to newspapers or educating yourself about what is really going on.

Perhaps even writing a blog post…?

You are not wrong if you judge our country and its leaders to have lost their way. The evidence is too overwhelming to be denied. Nor are you wrong to have concerns about where things will lead.

But rather than lose sleep about the fate we are heading towards, act now while that fate can still be shaped.

And, please, don’t forget to breathe.

TEN REPUBLICAN REASONS TO ACQUIT DONALD J. TRUMP

“Carnac says The country, the constitution and the environment are totally f@©ked!”

  1. There are no direct witnesses to Trump’s crime.
  2. It would delay things too much to subpoena witnesses
  3. There is no documentary evidence to support a conviction
  4. It would delay things too much to subpoena documents
  5. My constituents would kick my ass from here to Ukraine if I voted to convict Donald Trump
  6. Donald Trump may have solicited foreign intervention in an American election, but that isn’t as bad as having my assed kicked from here to Ukraine
  7. Donald Trump promised to put my head on a spike
  8. My head would not look good on a spike
  9. My wife promised to leave me if I got myself voted out of Washington
  10. I never liked John Bolton anyway.