“Please do not place automatic weapons on the pew bench.”
Brothers and sisters, welcome to the Church of Donald J. Christ!
Please, sit anywhere and, of course, feel free to remove your face masks. Here in the Church of Donald J. Christ we have nothing to fear from phony illnesses that plague blue-belly states and their demonic populations.
Also, if your pew is crowded, I will ask you, in the spirit of brotherhood, not to place your automatic weapons on the pew bench next to you. You will find the hymnal holders fit an AK 15 (with shortened stock) quite nicely.
Ah, yes, thank you.
As God-fearing American Christians, I’m certain you know this is the last Sunday before our great national election. In the interests of furthering truth and responsible citizenship, I would like to clear up some of the misinformation surrounding our chosen leader here on earth, God’s son and messenger, Donald J. Christ.
Can I get an amen!
Yes, thank you, brethren.
First lie being spread by the Unchristian Socialists who oppose Donald J. Christ, is that he himself approved the policy of wrenching immigrant children from their mothers’ arms and holding them in cages. A lie so cruel it almost approaches heresy. As Donald J. Christ himself has said many times, these were children of rapists, drug dealers and murderers exclusively. If there is difficulty in reuniting them with their parents, it is because their criminal parents were immediately deported to protect our most vulnerable citizens from being raped, robbed or murdered in their beds.
As for keeping the children in cages, that is not entirely true either, because, as you know, one child’s cage is another child’s air conditioned room. We’ve been reassured that the children are well cared for in living conditions that would be the envy of children back in Mexico who, sadly, would be thankful to have a cage of their own.
Can I get a “God bless America!”
Speaking of caring for children, since last we met, our Leader‘s third Supreme Court nominee has been voted to a seat on that august body. And now, we are but days away from her casting her vote to nullify Roe vs. Wade and put an end to the widescale murder of unborn children.
Yes, soon an expectant mother will no longer have the right to end God’s most sacred gift to humanity. Not even in cases of rape or incest, if Donald J. Christ has his way.
Can I get a hallelujah!
Oh, you do me so proud, brothers and sisters!
I want to talk directly to the accusations that Donald J. Christ is directly responsible for allowing the Covid-19 virus to enter our shores and grow into an uncontrollable pandemic. Even today, the left-wing socialist media refuses to acknowledge everything our Leader did to contain the spread of the virus.
Suffice it to say we would have had deaths in the millions had our leader not acted with swift and heroic resolve, shutting down certain key flights from China, ordering the lockdown of all Chinese restaurants, and, most importantly, forbidding Americans to marry or propagate with Chinese citizens. His creation of the Coronavirus Task Force under Vice President Pence has resulted in the complete prevention of rules or dictatorial suggestions that would have interfered with American lifestyles and most likely have eliminated professional sports from our TV screens. Had our Leader not ignored his scientific advisors, we would all be wearing masks today, and keeping six feet distant from each other.
Six feet, do you hear that? You cannot hug your grandchildren from six feet; nor can you enjoy intimate relations with porn stars from six feet’s distance. And tell me how we could jam all of you into our tiny church if we had to enforce six-foot social distancing?
At this moment, I would like you to turn to your nearest neighbor and give him or her a hug. If they’re wearing a mask, rip it off with a smile, and tell them they’re now free to survive in a Covid-free world. If they’re nervous about coming into close contact, just breathe on them slightly to show you have no germs for them to worry about. After all this is the Church of Donald J. Christ and not a hospital ICU ward.
Can I get a Hosanna!
Lastly, I want to refute any suggestion that Donald J. Christ is a pawn or useful idiot of Vladimir Putin; and all rumors that our Leader owes $421 million to Putin, or one of his banks, is as crazy as the idea that the Trump Corporation would charge the U.S. government exorbitant fees to house secret service agents when our Leader visits his resorts for golf and much-needed downtime.
Lastly, I bid you a personal welcome and blessing from Donald J. Trump who would be here himself if he didn’t prefer to pray on Air Force One with unwed mothers and beauty queen runner-ups, purely to help save their souls, when he is out on the campaign trail.
Can I get one more amen, and maybe two mothers of mercy!