Monthly Archives: August 2014

Bowling Boys Scored For Insider Trading

Dorchester, MA—Being accused of insider trading apparently doesn’t do much for your bowling game. Just ask Sal Papsi and Lenny Michaels, both amateur bowlers, and both recently charged in the federal indictment now known as Bowling Gate.bowlers

Papsi, who ordinarily scores over 225 a game bowled an average 137 per game in last Sunday’s “Massachusetts Bowl-A-Thon and Hot Dog Dinner,” while his co-conspirator and teammate Lenny Michaels was even further off his game.

“It was all those f#@king reporters with their f#@king flash cameras and f#@king questions,” Michaels angrily explained. “I aint racked up a f#@king score in a f#@king tournament like this since I first f#@king peed on my shoes!”

Fresh off the heels of their widely publicized indictment of a group of amateur golfing buddies for insider trading, Federal Prosecutors predicted Bowling Gate would prove once and for all the U.S. government treats all criminals alike, banker or deadbeat, champagne-drinker or beer-guzzler, privileged class or working stooge. Prosecutors indicated they would next be investigating inner city pick up basketball games and a North End bocce league.

A spokeswoman for the Federal Prosecutor’s office said that six men, all of whom are members of the Holes-In-The-Ball-Gang bowling team, conspired to trade inside information and tips concerning the Brunswick Bowling Company. Investigators quoted a subpoenaed email from Mr. Papsi, reputed bowling team leader, as cryptically advising his friends to hurriedly buy up Brunswick stock when he wrote, “You boys better stock up on big blue if you want to score this weekend, know what I mean, wink, wink!”

Reacting angrily to the charges, Papsi declared, “Holy shitake mushrooms, I was telling the guys to buy some egg-sucking Viagra, for heaven’s sakes! We had a damn-blasted three day weekend coming up and most of those flatliners aint good for waking the dead more than one day out of three, if you know what I mean, Jayzuz H. Crisis!”

Further evidence allegedly has Sal, part-owner of Happy Valley Bowling Lanes, criminally informing his Holes-In-The–Ball-Gang about a recent uptick in business at Happy Valley Lanes due to recent shifts in Brunswick’s marketing strategy. Pressed to answer this charge, Papsi said, “Sure, Brunswick was offering two balls for the price of one; called it their two-in-hand program. Mother Mary, it was a really hot deal, so of course I advised my guys to stock up, long as they didn’t already have the balls.”

Prosecutors said the alleged stock information trading ring was led by Papsi and Michaels who were allegedly paid off by the rest of the gang with rounds of drinks, $2 lottery tickets and satin bowling jackets. Lawyers for Papsi and Michaels would offer no further comment until their clients returned from a beer run.

(Note: this is a re-posting of an earlier blog column that was accidentally erased; sorry for any confusion.P.S.S.)

“We tried to break up, but they wouldn’t accept that it was over.”

Dear Abby:

This is very painful to talk about, but I need some guidance. Last Tuesday a group of fellow Cambridge residents and myself tried to break off our relationship with our Planning Board, but they just wouldn’t listen. All evening we kept telling them they no longer held a place in our hearts, and that we felt betrayed by their falling in love with the developers they were supposed to protect us damaged heartfrom. But, alas, nothing we said seemed to penetrate the unfathomable depths of their minds. Our words were like cannonballs that turned into feathers on impact.

We told them we were sorry we had to break up; that we had loved them once and they had done a great job helping us recover from hard times. But hard times were over, speaker after speaker told them bluntly, and now we needed guard dogs to protect us from developers rather than lap dogs to lick their fingers.

Abby, we did our best to be sensitive to their feelings. We told them we still liked them and, rather than take away all their power to cram ugly, dense buildings into our neighborhoods, we were only going to take away projects 50,000 square feet or larger, which would then be subject to City Council approval. It was like saying we would still go out on dates with them, but they could no longer assume they’d be staying the night when the evening was done.

But apparently we were speaking to people who couldn’t understand our language. We would say, “You’ve done everything but roll over and play dead for developers, approving 49 out of 49 projects and never rejecting a single one.” To which they’d reply, “But nobody on the city council is qualified to make these decisions. We have a combined total of over 75 years Planning Board experience.” To which we would answer, “Yes, but you’re using that experience to undermine our quality of life, jam up our roads, and totally change the character and makeup of Cambridge’s uniquely diversified population.” To which they responded, “Yes, and the city council is just not qualified to take on those responsibilities.”

Abby, I wish I could have taken their little heads in my hands and shouted “Listen, folks, it’s over! We don’t love you anymore. We don’t even like you. It’s time we went our separate ways. And, please, take the Community Development Department, the Traffic Department and the City Solicitor with you!”

But it was all to naught, Abby. Not surprisingly they acted as though they would never let us go, voting against the Carlone petition and ignoring our pleas to be freed from this excruciatingly painful relationship.

Please, Abby, tell us what we can do to rescue ourselves and Cambridge from the grip of an overly possessive Planning Board while there’s still a Cambridge worth rescuing?

(signed)

Growing More Desperate Daily

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In case it’s not obvious from the essay, Cambridge is going through a period of runaway development aided and abetted (some of us believe) by a Planning Board seemingly dedicated to protecting the rights of developers, often against the wishes, rights and best interests of Cambridge’s current property owners. The Carlone Petition, initiated by City Councilor Dennis Carlone, seeks to strengthen the city’s vigilance against the approval of egregious large projects at a time when the city is undergoing a process to develop a Master Plan.

Ironically, this was the first petition in recent history the Planning Board firmly rejected. The score is now 49 to 1 and, in case you haven’t noticed, Cambridge is losing.